


Burning Bridges

by ishiptheships



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, also jaspearl and rosepearl if you squint, also no smut but maybe will get there who knows if people want me to continue this, mostly pearl-centric with endgame pearlmethyst, one sided pearlrose, we'll see how this goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-01 23:26:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5225192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishiptheships/pseuds/ishiptheships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Human AU. Pearl meets Amethyst, who just moved into Beach City, and is forced to face her fear of commitment. Pearl-centric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> chapters get longer as the story progresses don't worry

“Pearl.”

The large sun hat flopping against the side of her face as she turned her head, Pearl looked at the woman behind her. The ocean waves crashed inching towards the folds of her skirt and tickled Pearl’s bare, sore dancer’s toes. The woman walking toward Pearl towered over her by at least a foot, her high-waisted bikini complementing her voluptuous body in all the right ways. She was perfect; everything Pearl wasn’t.

“Rose?”

“Don’t you want to join us?” Rose Quartz’s low, soft voice floated like a feather in the sea breeze, and she held out a hand for Pearl to hold. Her expression was soft, just like the warm, pastel pink color of the rock she was named after. “We’re about to cut the cake.”

With a small hum, Pearl’s thin fingers intertwined with Rose’s larger ones, making Pearl’s heart stop almost all together. Getting to her feet, Pearl felt the draft pick up her long, thin skirt almost as if Rose’s presence lightened up the world around her. Rose’s hand was warm, and all Pearl wanted to do was hold that hand for an eternity.

She held on for half a second too long, and Rose let go. Rose had an inkling, the smallest notion, that Pearl was infatuated with every single inch of her being.  But she was too kind to push Pearl away, not after all that Rose did for her. She wasn’t someone who would just leave Pearl in the dust.

Pearl’s stomach dropped as Rose turned her back, walking to the small wooden picnic table in the middle of the beach. Though it was a beautiful day, all she could see was Rose’s beautiful curls bounce as she glided across the sand.

Pearl was in love and it was killing her.

The sand moved like water between her toes as she walked and the breeze sifting through her short strawberry blonde hair. Rose’s beautiful pink lips turned upwards in a smile. “Come on! Garnet’s wants you there.”

Pearl reciprocated a small smile and broke into a small jog to keep up with Rose’s wide steps, her hand on her head to keep her hat from flying away.

Rose was already there when Pearl made it to the table. “Garnet, we’re so proud of you for getting into college.”

Garnet only gave a large grin as she cut three large slices of chocolate cake. She wasn’t dressed in swimwear, only a simple striped tank top and jean shorts. Her large afro framed her face like a halo, and her favorite sunglasses couldn’t hide the happiness that glowed in her eyes. “I’ll only be proud too when Pearl gets into college with me.”

“I will. I will, Garnet. I swear when I get more money.” Pearl gave her peer an eager smile.

“Pearl, you’re eighteen, if you don’t start now—“ Rose’s expression turned worried and Pearl gave her a tired smile.  Rose was lucky enough to be from a fairly affluent family so she could attend a local college while Pearl came to Beach City junior year of high school, when she ran away from her family. She didn’t talk about it much, but both Garnet and Rose understood it wasn’t a healthy environment. When she struggled through school and making ends meet, it was Rose who brought Pearl to her feet and urged her to work harder in school despite her financial situation.

“I know Rose. I’ll get in the next year.” Money was always an issue. Garnet was lucky to get some athletic scholarships, but as much as Pearl applied, she was never given enough money.

“You’re the last one to go to college, Pearl!  We’re all counting on you.” Rose’s words warmed Pearl at the core.

Pearl’s lips upturned in a smile and she laughed, taking a slice of cake from Garnet. “I’ll do it. Don’t worry, I’ll do it.”


	2. Oranges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which pearl feels shitty and is really gay

Sand in her hair, Pearl squinted at the sun above her as she dug her toes further into the wet sand. Her thin legs bent in front of her and the sun warmed her skin. The ocean waves beckoned her, coaxing her to play, but all Pearl wanted to do was lay down.

She felt like shit.

Pearl always felt like shit. She was twenty-two, no college education, barely scraping by with some money she’d get by playing her violin and dancing. It was a waste; everything she did was a waste. Rose always said she had a brilliant mind, and when Pearl said she loved to build things, Rose immediately urged her to get into college to pursue engineering. No one else believed in Pearl as much as Rose did back then.

Rose.

A pang hit her chest and Pearl felt sadness rise in her chest, her baby blue eyes began to swim in tears. Covering her eyes with her forearm, tears pressed hot and wet against her skin. God, Rose. It would kill her to know how much she hurt Pearl even from just standing there. Rose was everything to her; she helped her when Pearl had nowhere to go, she encouraged her to be better than she already was, she was always there when Pearl needed her.

Pearl remembered arriving in Beach City when she was seventeen. She left her family to get off their hands; they were poor. Money was always an issue for them, especially with her father fighting cancer. She was just another expense to them, and honestly, they never treated her like a human anyway. She was a project to them. An asset. So she moved out, with almost nothing. She was on the streets, still attended school, and met Rose.

Pearl could remember that day. She remembered feeling like a good for nothing, seventeen year old alcoholic who stole all her drinks and flunked all her classes. She sat underneath the rusty, white-washed bleachers drinking a bottle of beer when Rose, a year older than her, found her. She was skipping school yet again, trying to drink herself to death. She really thought she was useless back then. But Rose picked her up, brought her to her massive house and cleaned her up. She put Pearl on the right path. Pearl never could have guessed that they would develop a friendship, let alone whatever feelings she had for Rose.

When Rose had to go to college, she hooked her up with Garnet, another student who lived independently in the city. They had been roommates and best friends ever since. She and Garnet took care of each other. Rose made sure the two of them were ok.

Pearl knew she could never have her. She and some guy—Greg, was it?—were living together in the town over. Pearl didn’t want to impose on that. And besides, Pearl couldn’t bear to face Rose, not after all of her efforts went to waste. She could only imagine how Rose would feel or react when she saw her now.

It seemed that all Pearl was good for was for burning her bridges down.

She heard heavy footsteps on the soft sand. Pearl sat up quickly to avoid her roommate’s eyes. She sniffed a few times before Garnet spoke up.

“I need to go to the grocery store. Do you need anything?”

Pearl took a moment before responding. “No. I’ll come though.” Pearl stood, brushing sand off her shorts and thin tank top, avoiding Garnet’s knowing stare. Garnet probably knew who and what was on her thoughts, but she was never the one to press about other’s issues. Thank god.

“You don’t have a gig?”

“No, I’m free today.” That was a lie. She hadn’t even touched her violin in six months.

Garnet nodded towards the direction of the town, and Pearl put on her flip-flops, following Garnet to the street. They walked in silence, not that they would have heard each other anyway. The air was filled with chitter chatter and yelling of visiting tourists from the summer crowd. It was an unusually cool day, so Pearl was happy to have the beach to herself later. After grocery shopping, maybe she’d stretch and practice ballet on the beach. Getting out of whatever funk she was in was probably for the better. Besides, dancing when she wasn’t doing it for money always made her feel happier.

Pearl’s thoughts were interrupted by Garnet’s low voice. “Rose called today.” Her sandals slapped the concrete ground.

Pearl flinched instinctively. “So?”

“She wanted to talk to you.”

“…And?” Pearl pursed her lips, feeling the weight in her stomach drop. Her gaze turned to the sky that was sprinkled with clouds over head.

“I covered for you again, but you can’t keep doing this, Pearl.” Garnet pursed her lips, her British accent smoothing thick over her words. “You can’t keep avoiding her.”

“I’m not avoiding her. I was out of the house.”

Garnet’s eyebrow arched over her sunglasses. “At the beach.”

Pearl sighed. There was no use arguing or lying to Garnet. She was about to get her degree in psychology to become a therapist and mental health counselor, not to mention she and Garnet had been roommates since high school. Garnet could smell her lies from a mile away.

“Listen, I’ll call her eventually. Eventually. I’m just…”

“Not ready yet.” Garnet gave Pearl a small nod. “I understand, Pearl. You need time. But you need to think about Rose too.”

“She doesn’t have to think about me. She has other things to think about.”

“Hm.” Garnet frowned, readjusting her tote bag over her shoulder.

The two made their way to the old grocery store. The building faced away from the beach, the new windows clashing with the old brick and cement walls of the store. The shop was privately owned, like most of the businesses in Beach City. Pearl was happy to live in such a quaint area. Besides the summer, the town was fairly quiet, and everyone helped each other out. Pearl smiled a thank you as Garnet politely held open the glass door for her roommate.

The cold air hit Pearl like a slap to the face. Picking up a small basket with a slight shiver from the unexpected cold, she followed Garnet to the fruits and vegetables, keeping an eye out for marked-down produce. It was a good thing the two of them were fairly health conscious, Garnet more so than Pearl; it ended up saving them money in the long run. Picking up an orange, Pearl put it into her basket before reaching for another one. But instead of feeling the rough, cold skin of an orange rind, her fingertips grazed dark skin of a hand.

Pearl retracted her arm immediately. “Sorry.”

“No big deal.” A raspy voice came from below. A young woman shrugged to Pearl’s left, ignoring Pearl’s apology and stare as she picked out another orange without another thought. She was plump and curvy, at least a head shorter than Pearl, and her thick, brown hair tied into a wild ponytail behind her head. She wore a fitting t-shirt and skinny jeans that accentuated her curves, and strangely, there was no basket crooked on her arm. The woman was, in two words, really attractive. Pearl’s eyes diverted to the woman’s plump lips. They looked soft.

Pearl felt her face burn immediately and quickly turned her gaze as the woman looked up at the taller one with a glare. “Is there somethin’ you want?”

“I’m just here for oranges.” Pearl picked out another fruit, looking at it meticulously before putting it into her basket. Where the hell was Garnet?

The shorter woman snorted with a laugh and Pearl could feel her face burn up again. Shit.

“I dunno. Seems like you’re here for way more than oranges.” The woman pouted her lips, the corners of her mouth upturning into a teasing smile.

God, she’s playing you. Pearl placed another orange into her basket. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The woman snickered.

“What?”

In the corner of her eye, Pearl saw the woman roll her eyes. “Whatevs. See ya around.”

Before Pearl could reply, the other turned on her heel almost robotically, winked at Pearl, and walked away to the cereal aisle. Pearl’s fingers touched her cheeks, and she cursed herself for how hot her skin was.

“Wow.” Garnet’s voice startled Pearl from her thoughts once again. She realized she was thinking about how lovely those lips would be against hers. Pearl hastily shook the thought from her mind and brought her notice to Garnet’s basket, which was already filled with their necessities. Garnet raised an eyebrow at her roommate. She still hadn’t taken off her sunglasses. “Got distracted?”

“I didn’t—“

“Right.” Garnet smirked knowingly at Pearl’s bright cheeks, and Pearl rolled her eyes.

“Let’s just finish this up.”


	3. Cosmopolitan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THEY TALK

Pearl enjoyed the burn of her brandy as the alcohol passed her lips and seared her throat.

The thin heel of her ankle boots hooked onto the ledge of her stool, her long legs dressed in ripped jeans folded neatly in front of her, and her head propped casually on the palm of her right hand as Pearl took a final sip from her drink, the ice hitting her lips. The cool air of the bar tickled her skin, and she pointed to her empty cup at the direction of the barista who nodded and gave her a refill.

The bar was busy today. Music blared from the PA system, a riff of a guitar solo bouncing against the wooden walls of the room. The night crowd was filled with young couples looking for some drinks before their nights’ fun, singles who were looking for someone to elope with, and those like Pearl, who just wanted to drink their thoughts away. Pearl wasn’t looking to get blackout drunk; just drunk enough so she could think about anything but her life.

She found herself at the bar more and more nowadays. And she always wore the same clothes too—the black ankle boots she got on sale at the local Marshalls, the ripped jeans that were older than she wanted to admit, and her muscle tank that she swam in. The accessories always differed though. Today, the outfit was paired with a large maroon scarf and a matching beanie. Pearl took another sip from her glass just as her phone vibrated on the counter in front of her.

Her thin fingers gingerly picked up her iPhone 5 and she raised her eyebrows at the caller id. Unknown number.

She slid open her phone with a swipe of her finger and in the message box was a small emoji rose.

Fuck.

Three dots in a speech bubble popped below the emoji and within moments, Pearl received another message.

_It’s Rose! Just got a new phone and number. Just wanted to let you know. Visit me soon! [Heart emoji. Heart emoji. Heart emoji.]_

Suddenly feeling sick, Pearl stuffed her phone back into the pocket of her jeans as she locked it with a small click. Every time she seemed to feel okay again, every time she thought Rose was out of her mind, she always came back.

Pearl rubbed her tired face and rested her hand once again on the palms of her hands. It really was easier to keep Rose out of her mind the past few days. She was looking for more jobs around the area, she was cooking more for herself and Garnet, and she was dancing more, for money and for leisure.

But she also couldn’t get that woman out of her mind.

It had been a week since she first met the woman in the produce section of the supermarket. She didn’t even know her name, but every time she thought of her, all she could see were curves. The curve of her hipbone to her waist, the curve of her hip melting into her thigh, the soft curve of her arm to her shoulder, and finally the beautiful curve of her lips. Several times, Garnet came home to see Pearl gaze into nothingness for seemingly hours at a time.

 _Thinking about Lips again?_ Garnet said after the third day, using the coined name for the mystery woman, and she smirked at her roommate as her book bag fell to the floor. Pearl threw their couch pillow at her. Garnet could read her like an elementary school picture book; she knew how obsessive Pearl could be. And Pearl thought about Lips a lot.

Suddenly feeling tipsy and a little full, Pearl took a final sip of her drink, pushed back the half-empty glass of brandy, and took out her wallet out of her cross-body purse to pay the barista.

“You gonna finish that?”

Pearl nearly fell out of her stool as she turned to the direction of the voice only to see her staring face to face with dark eyes, a button nose, and wild hair framing those very lips Pearl liked to think about. Lips wore a grin, her short stature leaning over the counter with an over-confident expression.

“No. I’m not.”Pearl gave the shorter woman a small smile. She eyed the woman’s baggy “EAT TRASH” shirt, ripped jeans, and snapback crowned on her thick set of hair. “You can have it.” Flipping through the few bills she had, Pearl delicately picked out two tens and slid them slowly on the counter towards the barista.

Without another word, the plump woman tilted the whole drink into her mouth with a large swallow and hissed as she slammed the glass down onto the counter, ice clinking inside of it. “SHIT, don’t you need a chaser for this?”

Feeling very confused, Pearl frowned and raised an eyebrow. “Ah…no…?” Pearl was known in her circle of friends (Garnet and Rose) to have the best tolerance, but they didn't need chaser for brandy. “Well, you did swallow the whole thing rather quickly…”

The smaller woman coughed, waving over the barista. “One…cosmopolitan.” Cough. Cough. “Please.”

Pearl couldn’t help but snort and hid a snicker behind a pale hand. She turned away from the supposedly younger woman, shoulders shaking as she stifled laughs.

“What? Is something wrong?” The shorter woman demanded.

“What are you, eighteen? A cosmo?” Pearl still giggled into the palm of her hand. The other wore the most indignant expression on her round face. “Really?”

“HEY! Nineteen actually.” The woman’s voice quickly lowered to a rasp so the barista wouldn’t hear. Her rough voice left chills down Pearl’s spine.

Pearl raised her eyebrow at the younger woman. Underage drinking wasn’t unusual; Pearl was a culprit of it as well. But who was she trying to impress? “Well as long as you don’t get caught.” She watched as the woman smacked her lips a few times to get rid of the harsh alcohol in her mouth. “I don’t think I got your name.”

“Amethyst.” Amethyst took the martini glass form the barista gratefully and downed the whole drink like a shot. She licked her full lips, and Pearl caught herself rubbing her own lips together.

“Pearl.” Pearl leaned towards the other, looking directly into her brown eyes. “I know nothing about you.”

“There’s not much to know about, P.” Pearl took a liking to the new nickname. Amethyst gave Pearl a bemused grin. “How long ya been here?”

"The past five years.”

“And how old—“

“Twenty-two.” Pearl brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. Her fingers lingered at the corner of her jaw. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”

“I’ve just moved in. About a month ago.”

Pearl stared at Amethyst incredulously. “You’re nineteen!”

“My parents are helping to split the rent. I’m working two jobs to pay off bills.” Amethyst shrugged nonchalantly. “It ain’t fun, but whatevs. I gotta do it.”

“No college?”

“What’s the point? An ass load of money and debt just to attend a few frat parties and seminars?” Amethyst pointed to her empty glass and the barista began to prepare a refill.

“Nah. I’m good.”

 _Fair enough_. Pearl shrugged. “So just work?”

“Just work. I’m livin’ life as I go.” Amethyst grinned. “And what about you, P? You looked like you loved college. “

“I’ve never been.”

Amethyst raised her thick eyebrows. “Really? You seem like the classic, stuck up English major. Went to an all women’s college. The full shbang.”

Pearl couldn’t help but laugh, brushing her long fingers through her short hair. “I was interested in engineering actually. Astrophysics.”

“Was?”

“I…” Pearl looked down at her empty hands. She wished she had something to hold to keep her occupied. “Money.”

Amethyst made a small noise in agreement and reached for the sitting cocktail in front of her. “Goddamn, that’s a waste.”

Pearl raised her eyebrows in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“I mean—“ Amethyst finished off her cocktail and the cup hit the table with a loud clink. Pearl couldn’t help but notice how Amethyst’s dark hair fell over her shoulders and slid off  
when she shrugged. “—you’re obviously smart. And you can’t go to college because you don’t have money? That’s bullshit.” Amethyst shrugged. “But that’s just me. I’m just a runt who didn’t try too hard.”

“At least you know what you’re doing.” Pearl sighed, drawing small ovals and circles into the wooden countertop.

“Weren’t you gonna leave? It looked like you were about to.” Amethyst nodded towards the glass door.

“Did it?”

“Yeah. Why, did something change your mind?” Amethyst’s lips curled into a smirk.

Pearl suppressed a smile. Damn, was she cocky. “Well, I was going to leave.”

“Was?”

“I thought I wasn’t going to have someone to talk to.”


	4. Reply Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> did i hear you say "coffee au"?

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Pearl groaned into a mouthful of pillow and reached over to the nightstand, blindly grabbing for her phone and silencing the blaring of her alarm. She slowly sat up, eyes still heavy from sleep and alcohol. Her head pounded like someone beat it up with a baseball bat. It had been a while since her last hangover, and she was thankful Garnet didn’t come in and pull her blinds up.  

Of course she had to order a few more drinks. Amethyst kept on drinking. Pearl needed an excuse to talk with her.

 _Yeah, was that worth it?_ Pearl squinted at her wall and sighed. _You didn’t even get the girl’s number. You were too drunk to even ask. Way to go_.

She looked drowsily around her room, which was made as neatly as possible. Everything was in place except for her discarded clothes on the floor from last night. Dressed in her long, baggy shirt that drooped low on her chest and off her shoulder, she first picked up her clothes to put them away, and then walked slowly towards her shared bathroom in the hall and heard the shower running inside. Pearl opened the door and waved her hand to dispel some of the mist that hung in the air. _Damn, why did the bathroom light have to be so bright_?

“G’mornin’.” Garnet’s greeting hung lightly in the air like the mist drifting out the now-open door.  She was clearly feeling better than Pearl was. The uneven sounds of water hitting the shower’s floor indicated that Garnet was washing her hair before her seminar.

Pearl gave a small hum in reply, not finding the energy to speak. She grabbed her toothbrush from the counter.

“Were you out again? I didn’t see you come home last night.”

Pearl circled the toothpaste in her mouth and replied with a muffled voice. “I bouwgh a six pack ‘n’ drank eet ouside.” Lies, lies, lies.

“You’ve been drinking too much lately.” Garnet was as blunt as ever.

Pearl finished brushing her teeth before spitting the toothpaste into the sink and replying. “It’s only been a few drinks per night.”

Though Garnet was straightforward, Pearl could hear genuine concern in her voice. “I’m afraid it’ll get worse than that, Pearl.”

“We don’t _have_ the money for it to get worse. Vodka’s expensive.” Pearl deadpanned and gargled some water in her mouth to get rid of any extra toothpaste.

“ _Pearl_.” The squeak of the shower knob echoed in the tile room and Garnet’s hand reached out for the towel awaiting her next to the shower curtain.

“I know you’re worried, but I’m fine.” Pearl heard the shower curtain open and she turned towards Garnet who already had her towel wrapped around her body.  Her dark skin glistened in the bright morning light and her dark eyes were _way_ more alert than Pearl’s.

Garnet pulled some of her towel to dry her face and parts of her hair.  She looked at Pearl’s tired face that squinted up at her. “No alcohol tonight, ok?”

“Fine.” Pearl turned again to walk out of the room. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“I gotta run after I change, so I’ll grab breakfast on the way.” Garnet followed Pearl into their small living room. Garnet reached for her wallet that lay on the small table and gave Pearl a few bills. “Here.”

“What are you—“

“Go get some coffee and sober yourself up. I got paid yesterday so don’t worry about it.” Garnet gave Pearl a smile. “Just don’t go drinking.”

Pearl sighed taking the money carefully in her thin fingers. She hated it when Garnet felt like she had to provide for her because Pearl had close to nothing. Granted, Pearl probably would have more if she stopped drinking. Maybe it was Garnet’s way of trying to put her on the right path.

“Thanks, Garnet.”

Garnet gave Pearl a “hm” and went to her room to change for her class. Pearl checked the time on the clock on the wall. 8:37. She had some time to shower. 

……………………………..

Pearl walked past the beach, her sandals slapping the concrete ground. She felt a bit more sober after her shower and even felt good enough to dress in a floral high-waisted skirt and ruffled blouse. Still, she refused to take off her sunglasses; any bright light gave her a pounding headache. It was a warmer day, so the beach was filled with tourists and citizens of Beach City alike. She couldn’t do her morning practice, and she didn’t feel like touching her violin. Garnet’s advice seemed like the best option at the moment.

Turning around the corner, she approached the small coffee shop and opened the door. The small chime was muffled by the talk of the plethora of customers crowding the small shop. Luckily, the line wasn’t too long, so Pearl stood behind the fifth person, still keeping her sunglasses on, and slipped her phone out of her bag.

Three new messages.

With a questioning look on her face and squinting at her screen, Pearl slid open her phone with a flick of her thumb and she her stomach dropped.

12:02 AM: _[Rose emoji] Checking up on you! Garnet told me you’re busy_

12:03 AM: _If you need anything just let me know._

9:16 AM: _Greg’s making dinner tonight. Just let me know if you’re coming! [Shooting star emoji]_

Pearl’s thumbs hovered the touch keyboard before typing out a reply.

_Love to. What time?_

Pearl sighed heavily before jamming her finger down on the backspace. She tapped her fingers again against the smooth glass screen.

 _Can’t sorry. I have something planned tonight. Some other day. [Smile emoji]._ She backspaced. _[Star emoji]_. Backspace. _[Heart emoji]_?

Pearl pressed her thumb against the home button in frustration and bit her lip. She hesitated before opening the message app again as she approached the beginning of the line. No wonder the line was slow today; there was only one cashier.

“One regular please.” Pearl’s eyes didn’t leave her phone.

“Pearl?”

Finally looking up, Pearl was taken aback by the very different girl in front of her than she had seen before. “A-Amethyst?!”

“A regular? You got it. Hold on, I’m off my shift in fifteen. Do you got time to hang out?” Amethyst spoke quickly, probably because of the line growing behind Pearl. She was a lot more alert than Pearl was. She wore a clean white button down with a light blue apron that contrasted her mocha skin. Her thick lips grinned and Pearl’s heart began to race.

“Oh! Oh, yeah of course. Sure.” Pearl returned her smile. She hadn’t given a genuine smile in weeks.  She was pleasantly surprised that Amethyst wanted to talk with her; most people Pearl met at bars didn’t want to even want to meet eyes.

“That’ll be two fifty.”

Pearl handed her Garnet’s bill and Amethyst quickly handed back her change, their fingers brushing ever so slightly. Pearl felt goosebumps form on her forearm.

“Just wait on the bench outside. I’ll be there in a few.” Amethyst waved and moved on to the next customer. Pearl grabbed her coffee from the barista and moved outside to the wooden bench. She smoothed out her skirt before sitting and lay back closing her eyes, taking small sips of her warm coffee.

She must have dozed off because within seconds, she heard the bench creek next to her and glanced over to see Amethyst taking off her apron and sitting with a large sigh. Pearl’s eyes traced the curve of Amethyst’s face, ending at her lips. Amethyst’s eyebrows furrowed deeply, as she crossed her arms over her ample chest.

“Rough day?” Pearl offered, taking another sip of her coffee.

“It’s only ten in the morning.” Amethyst groaned.

“I didn’t know you worked here.”

“I work here in the mornings and in the general store in the afternoon.” Amethyst shrugged. “It’s not so bad. I’m just not in the mood.”

They sat in silence, the wind tickling their ears and ruffling up Pearl’s skirt. Amethyst’s brown hair brushed Pearl’s shoulder and Pearl gripped her coffee cup tighter.  Pearl carefully watched Amethyst’s hand which was rubbing circles into her other.

“You’re dressed cute for someone who has a hangover.”

Pearl looked at Amethyst incredulously. “How do you know?”

“Wearing sunglasses inside a dark coffee shop? Really?” Amethyst chuckled. “You’re _huuung_ over.”

Pearl rolled her eyes at Amethyst’s emphasis. Through her dark glasses, she saw Amethyst laugh at her expression.

“How are _you_ …not hungover?” Pearl rubbed her tired face under her sunglasses. “You drank almost as much as I did.”

“No, P, you drank _waaaay_ more than I did.” Amethyst let out a snort.

“Really? I don’t recall.” Pearl frowned, her eyebrows scrunching as she wracked her brain to remember the night before.

“Yeah, after a while, your words got really really slurry. I had to make sure you got home ok.”

Pearl fell silent. She rubbed the edge of her cup. “Thanks, Amethyst…”

“No prob. I had work today so there was no way I would let myself get shitfaced anyway.” Amethyst grinned sideways at Pearl. “Ha, you said _reaaally_ funny things when you were drunk.”

Groaning, Pearl hung her head between her knees. “Oh no. What did I say?”

“Somethin’ about my hair? You said you liked my hair.” Amethyst dramatically flipped her dark locks over her shoulder. “And you kept on pinching my face. I have no idea what that was about.”

“God, I’m so sorry—“

“WAIT! And then you got really really close to me and then you just stared at my mouth? What was that about?!” Amethyst burst into laughter, holding her sides.

Amethyst’s laughs were loud beats of percussion in the best song Pearl could make up in her mind.  Pearl could feel her cheeks warm up from her embarrassment. Of course she looked at Amethyst’s mouth. _Lips_. “Wow, I’m sorry, Amethyst. You shouldn’t have had to deal with me.”

“Nah, it was great. But next time, we should get shitfaced together. Here, lemme give you my digits.” Amethyst held out her hand and Pearl immediately reached into her bag for her phone. Amethyst whistled. “Wow. You’re eager for my number.”

“I…” Pearl hesitated.” I guess you’re my friend. I should have your number.”

“Yeah, of course.” Amethyst stifled a laugh and took Pearl’s phone punch her digits in.  “You are _not_ as straight as I thought you’d be.”

“Excuse me?” A blush crept to Pearl’s cheeks.

“I said what I said.” Amethyst handed back Pearl’s phone with a grin. “Wanna get somethin’ to eat?”

Pearl gripped her phone and coffee cup and slipped her phone back into her bag pocket.   She chose to ignore Amethyst’s comment. “I don’t know. What would you like?”

“There’s that really good donut place down the street.” Amethyst pointed her thumb behind her in the direction of Pearl’s apartment. “My treat. You said you don’t have a lot of money.”

“No, I should be able to afford—“

“My treat, P.” Amethyst started towards the direction of the donut shop. “You comin’?”

Pearl felt her phone vibrate through her bag and took it out to look at the message through the lock screen notifications.

10:04: _Let Garnet know that she’s invited over too! [Rose emoji]_

Pearl swiped her finger to unlock her phone when she heard Amethyst’s voice distantly. “Oi! You suddenly changed your mind, or what?” Amethyst called down the block.

 _Later. You can reply later. It’s not like you’ve replied diligently anyway_.

“I’m coming!” Pearl stuffed her phone back into her bag and jogged up to Amethyst, her sandals clicking on the concrete ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i make amethyst work in a coffee shop just to make this work? the answer is yes. yes i did.


	5. Carmen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things escalate quickly enjoy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bizet's Carmen Suite No. 2 - Habanera (The piece Pearl dances to)

4:57 PM:  _hey! u good? [Tongue emoji]_

Pearl rolled over on her bed and tapped her fingers on the smooth glass screen of her phone.  She stared up at her phone, her hair splayed out beneath her like a little sea of strawberry blonde. Now that Amethyst had her number, she was pretty much texting her nonstop, and for some reason, Pearl felt obliged to reply back. She gave herself reason to; she hadn’t seen Amethyst in a few days because Amethyst was busy with her work.

_Define good.  [Sick emoji]_

Pearl pressed ‘send' and rolled herself out of bed and stared at herself sitting on the bed at the full-length mirror. She was pale—paler than usual—and she had bags under her eyes from her insomnia. Her stomach turned from the lack of alcohol; it was almost to the point she’d call it nausea.  She physically never looked worse in her life. Under Garnet and now Amethyst’s supervision (because  _of course_  she found out about Pearl’s alcoholism), she hadn’t drunk for the past week.  Maybe it was her body weight that caused the drastic symptoms. Without her nightly binge, she was irritable and tended to keep her distance from others, specifically Garnet. She didn’t want to lash out at her for no reason. Luckily Garnet got the message and stayed in her room most of the time; it was a good thing she had finals coming up.

_I should probably blow off some steam at the beach._

Pearl opened the door to her room and walked across the hall to Garnet’s. It was closed, but she could hear Garnet’s phone emitting ambient sounds that she used to relax. Pearl knocked on the door lightly and with Garnet’s muffled “come in”, Pearl opened the door.

Garnet’s room was colored a somber maroon, and without the window giving natural light, the room would have seemed very dark. Garnet was splayed across her bed in her tight jeans and tank top, her eyes closed. She left her books at her desk; the largest book was open to a page with the smallest text Pearl had ever seen.

“Taking a break?” Pearl leaned against the door opening.

“Mm.” Garnet’s low voice was soothing to Pearl’s ears.

“Do you need me here, or can I go out?”

“Out where?” Garnet opened her eyes and looked at Pearl questioningly.

“Just out.”

“Seeing Lips again?” Garnet loved using her new nickname.

Pearl gave Garnet a tired sigh. Garnet wasn’t making it easy for Pearl to stay cordial with her. Pearl ignored her pounding heart at the mention of Amethyst. “I’m just going out to the beach.”

“Joking.” Garnet closed her eyes again with a serene and knowing smile smile. “Don’t be out too late. You’ve been losing sleep.”

“I  _could_  sleep if I was able to have a shot before bed.  And  _you_  should sleep early too.”

“Don’t drink.”

“Amethyst has been on my back just as much as you are.” Pearl frowned, crossing her arms over her chest.

"She’s good for you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Hm.” Garnet’s smile turned into a grin.

Slightly perturbed, Pearl left the room and closed the door forcefully. She quickly went to her room to change out of her pajamas and into sheer, dancing leggings, tight shorts, and a loose tank top. Grabbing her phone as she walked out the door, she didn’t bother to put back on her shoes and walked out to the beach barefoot.

The beach was empty, spare for a few people who stayed on the beach late into the coming evening. The ocean waves beckoned her closer and the scent of salt urged her to go in for a swim. However, she squeezed the sand between her toes as she walked, sitting down when she felt she was far enough to the surf.

Closing her eyes, Pearl breathed in the ocean, her mind wandering to three nights ago. Amethyst always knew the best time to send a text. Pearl thought about how vulnerable she was at that time.  It was Rose. It was always Rose, and Pearl so close to breaking her and Garnet’s code to steal some booze from Garnet’s safe, but Amethyst had sent her a text.

8:58 PM:  _u comin down to the beach or what miss priss [;P emoji]_

Of course it was chilly and of course it was ridiculous to meet Amethyst there at nine in the evening, the late sunset lingering the sky over the ocean, but it was the best night of Pearl’s life. They talked about their day, they laughed about Amethyst’s asshole of a boss, they talked seriously about Rose, they exposed their quirks and habits, and Pearl realized that Amethyst was always there for her, more so than anyone in her entire life. And Amethyst was beautiful that night; her hair in a loose, messy ponytail that caught every breeze, her hands stuffed in that huge sweatshirt of hers, her ripped jeans shorts exposing some of her stretch marks that Pearl found enticing. Her lips were perpetually in a grin, all because Pearl was there to spend time with her.

She was everything Pearl was not.

Pearl shook Amethyst from her head. Taking her phone out of her pocket, she unlocked it with a flick of her thumb, opened the music app and put on Bizet’s Carmen Suite No. 2, Habanera. The first stroke of the cellos to reach her ears, and she started her stance; her hands behind her, her right leg pointed in front her, her left leg in a revelé, her head looking just past left shoulder.

As the violins began, Pearl was taken to an alternate reality. She suddenly lost all rigidity in her body, her limbs moving like ocean currents. Her hips moved with the tap of the tambourine, her shoulder moving with each crescendo of the melody. Pearl had always taken a liking to Bizet’s Carmen; there was something completely sensual about the story of the Spanish woman, how she lured her lovers in with her flirtatious look and dance. As the music enlargened and slowed to a climax, Pearl pirouetted, spinning infinitely, using her left leg to kick the air for momentum. She had done this so many times she can almost always finish spinning with the fermata until she ended in a graceful arabesque—

She felt something like paper slap her face and she opened her eyes to see plump lips grinning at her.

“ARGH!” Pearl fell over, only to land softly on the sand below her, paper still hitting her face. Adrenaline pounded in her ears, equally from embarrassment and her dancing. “Amethyst, what the—“

“That was amazing! Take my money!” Amethyst flicked the one-dollar bills onto Pearl’s body, cackling wildly. Unluckily, she had superb aim. “MAKE IT RAIN!”

Pearl waved the money away, slightly annoyed that her down-time was disturbed by her obnoxious friend. Carmen had already ended on her phone. She glared at the plump woman above her. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too.” Amethyst rolled her eyes. “You said you were feeling shitty. I came here to cheer you up, P.”  Amethyst held out a hand for Pearl to take. As soon as Pearl got to her feet, Amethyst started to pick up her money. 

“I’m fine.” Pearl dusted herself off with a short sigh and bent down to pick up the scattered bills already starting to float away in the sea breeze.

“Yeah, right.”

“I’m  _fine.”_

Amethyst shrugged. “Well I’m here now. I had no idea you could dance like that! How are you not a professional?!”

Pearl felt her face burn and she looked away at the swirled patterns and footsteps she had left in the sand behind her. “It’s nothing special. It’s just something I like to do.”

“God, you’re smart, you’re basically a prima ballerina, what else can you do? You’re…perfect!” Amethyst let out a throaty laugh, scratching her head. Pearl’s heart raced, and something told her it was not from her impassioned dancing.

“I mean, I’m not…I just—“ Pearl cleared her throat. “I just dance to relax. And I guess for some money, but no one wants to see a ballet anymore.”

Amethyst snorted. “Modest. As always. Anyway, I came here to hang. It’s my job to make you feel better, remember? Where do you wanna go?”

Pearl gave Amethyst a tired sigh. “I don’t feel like going out, Amethyst.”

“Then, we’ll stay in! C’mon, show me your place! I mean the inside of it anyway. Without you drunk as shit.” Amethyst put a hand on her hip and Pearl surveyed her high waisted, ripped shorts and off-shoulder t-shirt. Amethyst’s hair whipped behind her as the wind began to pick up and Pearl handed Amethyst her money.

“Alright, but don’t expect it to be much.”

……………………………..

“Home sweet home.” Pearl mumbled, opening the door to her apartment for her friend. Amethyst took the liberty to immediately flop on the couch and Pearl rubbed her tired face. “Let me go change real quick.”

“No prob, P.”

Pearl rushed quickly into her room, glancing at Garnet’s closed door. Shit, she should have warned Garnet that Amethyst was coming, but it was too late for that. Garnet must be studying.

Closing the door behind her, she peeled of her tight dancing shorts and tights all in one go, the flesh of her thighs and legs finally relaxing from the release of stress. She threw off her tank top, grabbing her large t-shirt and her pajama shorts. It was okay to let her hair down, so to speak, with Amethyst, right? They’d known each other for almost three weeks at this point. They were at that point in their friendship.

Right?

Pearl stared at herself in the mirror, looking at her boney knees and long legs extend from her loose shorts, her figure looking even slimmer in the large shirt. Was this too unflattering? She could try to change something better, but what would she wear? She certainly wasn’t in the mood for jeans, it was too hot for her knit leggings, and—

Why was she putting so much thought into what she was wearing?

Garnet’s words echoed in her mind.  _She’s good for you_.

Pearl shook her head vigorously, forcing herself out of her room and to Amethyst on the couch. She flopped down on the loveseat in the cozy living room, looking at the coffee table in front of her, leaning back against the back cushion, and folding her arms on her chest.

Amethyst sat in a power stance. She had her elbows on her separated knees, gazing back at Pearl, her hair falling over the left side of her face. Pearl hastily brushed her hair behind her ear, suddenly feeling vulnerable realizing Amethyst had witness her dance; Pearl never even showed Garnet her dances before. It was so much easier to dance for strangers.

“Damn, P.” Pearl followed Amethyst’s eyes as they wandered her figure dressed in her pj’s.  “Didn’t know you dressed so casually at home. Thought you always were uptight.”

“Oh, hush.” Pearl pulled her legs in so she sat curled up, leaning her head on the palm of her hand. “And you? You never dress so neatly except at work.”

“Thought I’d make an exception. Besides—“ Amethyst leaned back against the back of the sofa. “Aren’t I meeting your roommate? The one you talk so highly about?”

“Garnet?” Pearl shrugged. “She’ll come out if she wants to. She has finals in three days.”

Amethyst let out a long whistle. “Wow. That’s rough.” She pressed her plump lips together in a thoughtful frown. Pearl watched carefully.  “You think she’d come out to have some dinner with us?”

“You’re staying for dinner?” Pearl raised her eyebrows.

"Yeah, why not?”

“First you invite yourself over, and now you want food? You’re high maintenance.” Pearl snorted with the smallest smile.

Amethyst let out a short laugh. “Admit it. You love me.”

 _You love me_.

Pearl felt like she had been hit by a brick, half paralyzed in shock, half paralyzed in realization. She didn’t respond, only looking at the very tip of her toe peaking underneath her thigh to avoid Amethyst’s gaze.  _Shit. Not again._

“P?”

Pearl tensed at her nickname, turning her head away so Amethyst couldn’t read her expression.

“P, are you okay?”

“Fine.” Pearl gripped her left wrist.

“Is it about Rose?” Amethyst asked quietly. Pearl mentally kicked herself that she told Amethyst about the older woman. “Did something happen?”

_No. No, I don’t think it has to with Rose anymore. At least not all of it._

“Yeah.” The lie passed through Pearl’s lips like a curse. The word was short, but it carried immense weight and hung in the air like a disease.

Amethyst shifted over closer to Pearl. “Is that why you’ve been feeling like shit?”

Pearl wanted to cry. She swallowed her sobs down and took a shaky breath.

_No. I feel like shit because I…because I really, really like you. And I don’t want to get my heart broken. I can’t go through that again. Never again._

She felt Amethyst’s warm hand on her forearm and Pearl flinched ever so slightly.

“P, I’m always here if you…” Amethyst looked genuinely concerned, but the hand the scratched at her neck showed how awkward it was to show this side of herself. “I mean, Garnet seems out of the question right now because of her finals, and I don’t know if you have any other friends—“ Amethyst groaned. “—that came out wrong…what I mean is that I don’t think you deserve to be this miserable. I’m not studying to be a therapist or anything like Garnet, but I can...”

Pearl looked up, her watery, blue eyes trying to find answers Amethyst’s warm brown ones. Since when had Amethyst gotten so close to her? Why did Pearl want to know so much about her, where she was, and how she was doing?  Why was she constantly trying to validate reasons to see her, get her attention, look beautiful for her, act beautiful for her, and be a better person? Why did she get nervous just at the sound of Amethyst’s throaty voice, lonely when she was lying in bed not able to sleep, and disappointed when Amethyst said she had something else to do?

Why was she constantly thinking about how much she wanted Amethyst’s soft lips on her own, as if there was nothing else more important to her in the world?

She could feel Amethyst’s breath on her chin and count ever single tiny freckle she hadn’t even noticed before.  Pearl’s own breath went shallow.

“I…” Pearl’s voice faltered.  Amethyst’s presence made her literally weak, her stomach turning. Something told her it wasn’t from her alcohol withdrawal. She found her thin fingers intertwining with Amethyst’s, and Amethyst, thankfully, did not push her away.

_Stop. Pearl, you need to stop. If you do this, you can’t go back. You’re going to be in deep shit._

Taking her moment to be selfish for once in her life, Pearl swallowed slowly. “I don’t think I can…I think I…” As she spoke she could feel her lips brush Amethyst’s, the negative space between their skins tingling as if it was live wire. Her heart was in her throat as she inhaled in Amethyst’s sweet breaths, closing her eyes…

 _Munch. Munch_.

Pearl let out a small squeak and the two shoved each other away, landing on to opposite sides of the love seat, not meeting each others’ eyes. Pearl’s face burned, and she pressed her palm across her mouth. Behind Amethyst’s equally bright face, she saw Garnet leaning against the kitchen counter, eating a bag of Ruffle potato chips as nonchalantly as she could.   _How long had she been there--?_

Amethyst cleared her throat, turning towards Garnet with a nervous smile. “H-Hey. You’re Garnet right?”

“Mm.” Garnet licked the potato chip oil off her thumb. “You’re Amethyst?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Garnet let out a small laugh through her nose. “Pearl talks about you a lot.”

“R-Really?” Amethyst stole a quick glance at Pearl’s pink face and turned back to Garnet. Even usually brash Amethyst couldn’t keep her cool in this situation. Amethyst stood hastily. “Well, it was awesome to finally meet you.  _IIIIIIII_  think I should get going.” Amethyst drawled out her sentence.

“No dinner?” Garnet asked with a smirk, obviously teasing her.  _Really, how long was she there?_

“I just realized I had other plans,” Pearl saw Amethyst touch her lips. “See ya, Garnet. And uh…” Amethyst and Pearl’s eyes met and both their faces contorted in a slight grimace, their cheeks burning even brighter. Amethyst swallowed and bit her lip. “Bye, Pearl.”

Practically running out of the apartment, Amethyst closed the door with a final slam and Pearl buried her face in the couch pillow with a groan.

It took about ten seconds of silence for Garnet to burst out laughing. She fell to the tile floor, Ruffles potato chip bag and all, holding her stomach. Pearl glared at her roommate from behind her pillow.

“GARNET!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry--!” Garnet wheezed, after getting back to her feet with difficulty. Her accent was thick through her shallow, rushed breaths. “Sorry, but to be fair, you were so infatuated with her you didn’t even notice me in the kitchen the whole time and I couldn’t just  _leave_ —“

Pearl sat there, absolutely mortified.  “So you just decided to get a bag of chips and watch us like we were some sort of movie?!”

“I actually was hungry. And I didn’t want to announce myself and ruin the moment.” Garnet coughed, still recovering from her laugh. “To be fair, she’s cute. But not my type and you’ve already called dibs on her,  _clearly_.”

Pearl let out a groan in frustration, throwing her pillow at Garnet and storming into her room.


	6. Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst angst angst angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> extra warning for this chapter: derogatory term for gay/lesbians. mentioned only once

Pearl swirled circles into the bar’s wooden counter with her finger, the other hand grasping her glass of vodka. She knew she shouldn’t drink; she had been doing so well for the past week and a half, but she really needed to forget that the almost-kiss with Amethyst ever happened.

She took a large gulp of the clear alcohol and cringed at its burning taste before placing the glass again down on the table. Her ankle boots hooked onto the ledge on her stool, her thin legs folded neatly in front of her dressed in sheer black leggings, her high-waisted skirt keeping her sitting up straight. Her blouse tucked into the hem of her skirt, a thin cardigan covering her shoulders.

She looked around the busy bar, couples crowded around her. The music blared a guitar riff from the PA system and mingled with the multitude of voices in the air. Pearl was happy to be alone today. No one seemed to notice her in the crowd, especially when the couple to her right was making out passionately. Pearl leaned away from the young man and woman, taking a casual sip from her drink again.

Leaning on her right palm, she touched her pinkie finger to the corner of her lip, remembering the small moment she had with Amethyst. For a moment, just for a moment, Pearl thought she could love someone without thinking about the consequences of her actions, without speculating whether or not Amethyst returned her feelings and be with someone who actually cared about her so deeply. Those few seconds as their lips were millimeters apart, Pearl didn’t have to wonder anything. Everything she and Amethyst had that night was real.

And it scared the shit out of her.

Pearl knew she had commitment issues—something about intimacy without any strings attached was so appealing—but Amethyst truly terrified her. Amethyst was everything Pearl couldn’t dare to be: rambunctious, obnoxious, messy, spontaneous, irrational, playful, caring, and _honest_. It was as if she had met her balance; to see something like that possibly end would actually kill her from the heartache. And Pearl had enough of heartache for a life time.

Pearl downed her drink in a large gulp, coughing softly as the alcohol seared her innards. She hadn’t talked to Amethyst since. Strange, how they could go from best friends to acting like the other didn’t exist in a matter of ten minutes. Pearl pointed down at her drink and the barista took her glass to refill it. Pearl took out her phone to pass the time.

Two new messages.

9:06 PM: _You better not be at the bar_.

9:07 PM: _Pearl, if you’re drinking, I’m kicking you out._

Pearl sighed gently.

_I’m fine, Garnet. I’m just out for a walk._

The gray ellipses popped up almost immediately after Pearl pressed “send”.

_9:37 PM: I trust you._

Pearl’s stomach dropped and she locked her phone, reaching for the refilled glass left in front of her. Taking another large gulp, Pearl felt a presence to the left of her. She offered a small “excuse me” to gain back her space, but the figure wouldn’t move.

Finally turning, Pearl was face to face with a man. A fairly sweaty man, dressed in a pastel button down and khakis. He was shorter than Pearl even when she was sitting down on her stool. He leaned on the counter, facing Pearl with a smug grin on his face. Pearl’s face contorted into a grimace and she turned away from him, sipping her vodka.

“Sooo…” The man’s voice drawled, but Pearl had a feeling he wasn’t drunk; at least not yet. “Come here often?”

Pearl set down her glass. “I come here every day.” She lied, unsurprised that it came easy to her.

“Really? I’ve never seen you here before.”

Pearl sighed tiredly. “I tend to stay away from company.”

“I don’t know, you look like a girl who likes to have fun.” The man eyed Pearl’s clear drink. “The name’s Bill.”

Just the presence of this guy made Pearl sick to her stomach. He was so close to her, she could feel his breath on her neck. Her skin crawled and she shuddered. Who the hell did this frat boy think he was anyway?

Pearl whipped around to face the frat brother and glared at him. “Listen, if you don’t _shove_ off, we’re going to have a problem.”

“Yeah.” Pearl felt an arm around her waist. “She’s with me.”

Pearl froze at the raspy voice, the familiar thick hand treading lightly at her hip. Pearl did her best to keep her composure as Amethyst glared up at the man who started to sweat even more profusely than he had before.

“Yeah, she’s _really_ fucking gay. Get lost.” Amethyst growled, holding her empty beer bottle menacingly.  

Pearl would have laughed if she was in any other situation; Bill looked absolutely livid. He walked off muttering something along the lines of “fucking dykes” and to the opposite side of the bar. Pearl gave Amethyst a weak smile. “Thank you.”

Pearl’s skin felt cold when Amethyst’s hand left her and she stood where Bill was. She didn’t meet Pearl’s eyes. “Yeah. No problem.”

The sounds of the clinking of beer bottles and wine glasses echoed in Pearl’s ear as the two stood in silence, neither one of them wanting to speak up or leave. Pearl took another small sip of her drink.

“You’re not supposed to drink.” Amethyst stated flatly, staring at the almost empty glass of vodka.

“Garnet’s letting me off the hook today.”

“That’s bullshit. Garnet wouldn’t do that.”

“You’ve met Garnet once.”

“I know she cares about you to never let you do that.”

“Fine. _I had to_.”

“You don’t _have_ to do anything, P.”

“You’re not in control of me.” Pearl narrowed her eyes.

“You’re going to drink yourself to death.”

Pearl heaved a sigh of resignation, staring at Amethyst’s glowering eyes. “Look, are we going to talk about what happened between us or—“

“What’s there to say?” Amethyst shrugged, her throat bumping as she swallowed. “It happened. I was being stupid.”

“S-Stupid?” Pearl tried to hide the break in her voice.

“I mean…” Amethyst faltered and sighed. She reached over to pry the drink from Pearl’s tight hands. “Let’s leave. You shouldn’t drink anyway. Especially not vodka.”

“Why should I go with you?  You’re—“

“You wanna talk? Let’s talk.”

……………………………..

Pearl walked behind Amethyst as they approached a small apartment complex on the outskirts of town. It was the furthest away from the beach, and the building looked shabby and worn down. Amethyst took a large bundle of keys out of her pocket and shifted through them until she chose a fairly new key, opening the door for the two of them.

“This is your place?” Pearl looked around the dark and messy apartment. Even when Amethyst put on the light, shadows painted the room from the piles of laundry and stacks of video games, CDs, and movie DVDs.

“Duh.” Amethyst threw her keys on a table by the front entrance and flopped down onto a ratty, but comfortable-looking couch. Pearl sat on the other side, placing her folded hands on her lap neatly, her thumbs rubbing the back of her hands in nervousness. The pit of her stomach widened with every breath and she flinched with Amethyst spoke up. “So let’s talk.”

Pearl sat in silence, rubbing her tongue against her dry mouth. This was probably the worst time to bring up this conversation with Amethyst, especially when Pearl was a little bit tipsy.

“ _You_ wanted to talk.” Amethyst frowned, crossing her arms. “That’s why I brought you here.”

“I’m not sure where to start.” Pearl snapped. “Don’t rush me.”

“Pearl, it was just a kiss. Not even a kiss. Chill the fuck out.” Amethyst groaned, rolling her eyes.

“Fine.” Pearl turned to Amethyst, the anger rising in her; maybe it was the alcohol. “First of all—“ Pearl was surprised at her own assertiveness. “—why did you just run? That’s hardly polite especially when—“

“I got scared, P.” Amethyst slapped her palm on her forehead. She rubbed her face tiredly. “I freaked. I didn’t want to, but I freaked.”

“ _I_ freaked! I didn’t run away!”

“You’re fucking _drunk_.  We were at your house! Of course you didn’t run!”

“Why didn’t you talk to me? Because you ‘freaked’?” Pearl’s voice rose to a yell. “I thought we were never going to talk again!”

“Do you know how awkward that would be?” Amethyst shifted so she faced Pearl, her voice also rising. “‘Oh hey, P. We almost kissed, but let’s go get some donuts and pretend it never happened.’ It’s not always about you!”

“Fine!” Heat rose to Pearl’s face. “Then why ‘stupid’?! You said you were being stupid! It wasn’t stupid, at least not to me!”

“Because I rushed things! I didn’t want to rush things!” Amethyst stood, grabbing her hair in frustration. She stepped over a blanket on the floor, pacing around the room. “You’re making things so _hard_.”

“Rush things? What the hell are you talking—“

“Because I LIKE YOU.” Amethyst groaned. “It’s INFURIATING.”

Amethyst’s words hit Pearl like a punch to the face. “W—“ Pearl stared at Amethyst. “W-What?”

“I. Like. You.” Amethyst was on the far end of the room, as if the space between them could protect her. “I didn’t know if you liked me back.  I’m messy, I’m obnoxious, I’m loud, I was just lucky to just be next to you as your friend, and I…I ruined everything.”

Pearl clutched the hem of her skirt, staring at Amethyst a million questions rolling through her mind like a stampede. The break in Amethyst’s voice sobered Pearl up and suddenly Pearl wasn’t as angry anymore. The words hung in the air before Pearl spoke up quietly.

“It wasn’t just you.”

Brown eyes stared at Pearl.

“I mean—“ Pearl curled her hair behind her ear. “I mean…you weren’t the only one who wanted it, I wanted it too.”

Amethyst didn’t move. She just stared at Pearl, and Pearl could see the slight movement of Amethyst chewing her lip in the dim light.

Pearl curled up her legs behind her and nodded towards the empty seat next to her. “Come back, Amethyst.”

Looking away, Pearl could hear Amethyst walk towards her spot on the loveseat and feel the weight of the couch shift when she sat down. Amethyst took a deep breath, probably to calm herself.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Pearl fought back tears. Damn her for being so goddamn emotional. “I’m sorry. I’m freaking out too, I can’t stay sober for one night, I’m pretty drunk right now, so I can’t think straight—“

She felt soft thumbs wipe her eyelids gently, catching the tears, before feeling soft lips against her own. Feeling like her heart was about to burst, Pearl sat there in shock, feeling Amethyst leave her again and watching fear flood Amethyst’s brown eyes.

“ _Mierda.”_ Amethyst pressed her lips together, her eyes wide. She spoke quietly. “Sorry.”

Without thought, Pearl pulled Amethyst in once again, breathing sharply before kissing her back. It doesn’t take long for Amethyst smile against Pearl’s lips with a hand behind her neck, pulling her even closer. Amethyst’s lips were as soft and buttery as Pearl had imagined, moving lethargically against Pearl’s sensitive skin. Their breaths mingled in the small space between them when they paused. Pearl’s heart was in her throat, and she dared not open her eyes.

Pearl giggled, as Amethyst’s breath tickled her skin. “You’re…wonderful.”

Instead of pulling away, Amethyst let out a small laugh before leaning in again, and Pearl barely noticed that she’s subconsciously caressing Amethyst’s cheek with her thumb, her hand on the crook of Amethyst’s jaw. Amethyst dipped herself into Pearl more, making Pearl emit a small sigh before reciprocating. Everything to Pearl was perfect. She was perfect, Amethyst was perfect, them together was perfect, and Pearl couldn’t keep her mind off of the heaven that she found on Amethyst’s lips.

And then Amethyst bit.

Nothing too painful but definitely shocking, Amethyst took a quick nip, raking her teeth against Pearl’s skin. Amethyst moved down to the edge of her jaw, kissing gently before taking a small portion of her skin and sucking deliciously on it. Pearl let out an aroused gasp, tilting her head for more contact, and pulled Amethyst closer to her as she fell onto her back, Amethyst on top of her.

Amethyst’s lips were messy, warm, wet, and Pearl _loved_ it.

Amethyst’s breath ghosted her collarbone, as she kissed, bit, and sucked a trail of bruises on her skin. Pushing her blouse collar out of the way, Pearl’s sighs filled the room, her hand curling in Amethyst’s long mane of hair. She tugged a fistful of hair as Amethyst bit harder on her collar bone, a loud groan escaping from Pearl’s lips. Amethyst’s thigh was in between hers, and Pearl wanted nothing more than to press herself against Amethyst. She lowered herself on the couch, moving her hips slightly against Amethyst’s thigh, and Amethyst laughed a warm breath against Pearl’s skin. Amethyst ground up against her slowly, teasingly, Pearl whimpering weakly into Amethyst’s ear. She could feel Amethyst’s hands wander from her thighs to her sharp hipbones to her waist, dragging up the fabric of Pearl’s skirt—

Eyes shooting open, panic rose to Pearl’s chest and she pressed her palms against Amethyst’s shoulders, almost pushing Amethyst to the floor. Amethyst’s alarmed expression froze in her mind.

Amethyst removed herself from Pearl, sitting back slowly. Pearl’s chest heaved up and down, her lips swollen from Amethyst’s kisses and bites. Shaking, she sat up as well, smoothing down her skirt and fixing the collar of her blouse. She ran a hand through her hair and trembled a breath. She didn’t have the strength to open up to anyone like that, let alone Amethyst. Sex with any sort of true, mutual feelings made Pearl go into a cold sweat, her nausea returning from the churning of the pit of her stomach. The thought of herself sharing this moment with Amethyst made her sick. She made herself sick.

“I have to go.” Pearl stood, walking quickly around the piles of DVDs and CDs. She refused to even look at Amethyst’s direction.

“P?” Fear ignited in Amethyst’s eyes.

Without another word, Pearl left the apartment with a final slam of the hard, wooden door.


	7. Not My Type

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter in which pearl just runs away from all her problems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. Sorry. Some noncommital jaspearl that will be there for the next chapter or so for pearl's character. Also jaspearl is my side ship SO  
> extra warning for this chapter: derogatory term for gay/lesbians. mentioned few times

She packed up her things and ran away.

Garnet was up when Pearl stumbled into their apartment. She sat on the loveseat, her arms crossed against her chest. Everything Pearl saw was a blurry goddamn mess.

“Where have you been?” There were bags underneath Garnet’s eyes.

Pearl didn’t reply. She walked passed Garnet in a rush, going into her room to take a backpack out of her closet. She stuffed in clothes by the handful, bunching up the fabric and thrusting them into her bag. She ignored Garnet following her into her room.

“Pearl.”

“I’m leaving.”

“No, you’re not.”

“ _I’m leaving.”_

“Pearl, you’re not thinking.”

Pearl grabbed her phone charger from the socket beside her bed and stuffed it into her bag as well. “I’m thinking just fine.”

“Let me smell your breath.” Garnet grabbed Pearl’s shoulder, trying to turn her around.

Pearl jerked her shoulder to loosen Garnet’s grip, but Garnet’s hand was strong. Garnet forced Pearl to face her, holding her by both hands to keep Pearl from running away. Garnet just stared at Pearl until Pearl willingly opened her mouth and breathed on her with a forceful “hah.”

“Vodka.” Garnet frowned, her mouth twitching. Pearl only glanced into Garnet’s eyes; she was surprised to see sadness. “Pearl—“

“I’m pathetic, I know.” Pearl moved into the hall, grabbing her backpack on the way, into the bathroom where she took her toothbrush and deodorant. Anger boiled in her veins. The disappointment in Garnet’s voice only fueled her rage. “I’m going to be gone. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Where are you going?” Garnet ordered. “It’s almost midnight.”

“Out.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I don’t care.” Pearl zipped closed her backpack, after throwing in her wallet from her other bag from the bar and whipping open the apartment door. She closed it with a slam.

The next bus out of town left at 12:17 am. She had to make this one.

……………………………..

Pearl woke in a cheap motel, her body aching, her head feeling like it had been split with an axe, and the sun burning her puffy, dry eyes. This was probably one of the worst hangovers she has ever had.

She sat up with a quiet groan, rubbing her head. She hadn’t changed from the night before, and saw her boots beside her bed, her backpack and its contents on the floor next to it. The bed was lumpy and uncomfortable—Pearl hoped there weren’t bedbugs—but it was warm from her own body heat. She blinked sleepily a few times before she could read the clock. Wait—3:12 PM?!

 _Shit._ Rubbing her throbbing forehead, she tried to remember the night before. She had gotten to the last stop on the bus route around 6 am. She hadn’t slept at all on the bus; she never could sleep well on the road. She hid her phone away so no one could text her and eventually checked into the motel, apparently sober enough to charge it to her emergency credit card. She must have passed out as soon as she got into the room.

Pulling herself out of bed, she walked barefoot to the bathroom, finally unbuttoning her blouse and taking it off her body. Hopefully a shower would help her feel better.

Before turning on the hot water, she caught a glimpse in the rusty mirror, almost scaring herself. Pearl’s eyes sagged, her hair disheveled, her skin even paler than usual. Her eyes followed the line of bruises on her jaw line, neck, and collarbone, her stomach dropping. Was it guilt? Pearl didn’t even know anymore.

 _I…I guess I should check my phone._ Pearl heavily walked back into the room to grab her phone from her backpack. Dead. She plugged the charger into the bedside socket and started to charge her phone before she made her way back into the bathroom.

The warm water felt good against Pearl’s aching muscles and pounding head. Though she had no shampoo or wash, it felt good to wrap herself in warmth and let the water flow in little streams down her body. And it allowed her to think clearly for the first time in almost twenty-four hours.

She rubbed her shoulder subconsciously, her thumb grazing the sore marks Amethyst had left on her. It wasn’t like Pearl never had a few hickeys before; in fact, she had worse ones that lasted almost six days. But thinking about how Amethyst buried in the crook of her neck, her mouth against her skin got Pearl riled up more than anything had before.

She wanted to do it again.

Since when did she start thinking about Amethyst more than Rose? Now, those bouncy curls and pink-lipped smile were not as appealing to Pearl as they were.  When she lay in bed at night, it was the unruly dark mane and plush lips that invaded Pearl’s mind. Was it because she her feelings were actually reciprocated this time? Could Pearl actually make it work? The thought of a relationship left her stomach feeling sick and her chest cold. The year she had her heart broken was a time she did not want to live again. Alcohol was constantly at the back of her throat, she smoked cigarettes to calm her nerves, and she starved herself for both ballet and her self-esteem.

In a way, she was still living with her heartbreak. How many texts had Rose sent her without any reply? Besides, opening up to someone was dangerous and messy. And there was nothing Pearl hated more than a mess.

Pearl twisted the water off with a heavy sigh. If only she didn’t know who Amethyst was. They would have had amazing sex, and Pearl would be left wondering who that woman was rather than worrying about getting emotionally destroyed. She stepped out of the shower, wrapping a white towel around her body and making her way back into the bedroom.

 _After all, ignorance is bliss._ Pearl rolled her eyes at herself and sat on top of her bed.

Brushing her short hair with her fingers, she reached for her phone with a damp hand. Thirteen messages?!

Pearl unlocked her phone.

12:18 AM: _Pearl. Where are you?_

12:18 AM: _Are you really not coming back home?_

1:01 PM: _Text me back so I know you’re ok._

Pearl ignored her roommate’s messages and flicked to another sender.

6:30 AM: _PEARL! Please, go back to Garnet. You’re worrying me and her to death..._

Wanting to throw her phone out a window, Pearl gritted her teeth and deleted the message. She flicked to the last sender, her heart dropping when she read the caller id.

1:56 AM: _im sorry, p. i fucked up._

2:02 AM: _im such a fuck up. i should have known you didnt want us to be like this_

2:03 AM: _u dont have to reply_

10:23 AM: _shit g just told me everything p u better come back_

10:25 AM: _p ur worrying all of us please at least reply_

10:58 AM: _this isnt about us anymore its about ur safety_

11:15 AM: _i think rose is going to have a heart attack u need to respond_

11:35 AM: _ik im a fuck up but plz reply for g and r_

11:51 PM: _please p please reply_

Pearl’s fingers typed quickly as if on their own accord.

_I’m fine. I need a break. Don’t reply._

In almost thirty seconds after, Pearl saw the “seen at 3:54 PM” below her message. She waited for Amethyst’s quick reply. Nothing.

At least someone respected her boundaries.

Lying back down in bed in only her towel and dripping hair, Pearl threw her phone aside and dragged her palm across her puffy face. Pearl could almost see the conversation that was happening six hours away. Amethyst would probably let Garnet and Rose know that Pearl was fine. Rose would insist on Amethyst texting her back, to find out where she was, but Amethyst would argue and Garnet would just sit there, thinking. Pearl hated how she worried all of them, but at the same time, something like anger and resentment flickered inside her.

It served them all right.

Pearl closed her eyes with a small sigh through her nose. “I need a drink.”

Hopefully she brought something suitable to wear in her backpack.

……………………………..

Pearl took a small sip of her screwdriver and settled the thick glass on the hard wood table once again. She preferred straight vodka, but the cocktail was somehow cheaper.

The bar down the road from the motel was very different from the one in Beach City. It seemed out of place in the middle-of-nowhere town with its techno vibe, flashing lights and lasers shooting from the ceilings and onto the large dance floor. Although Pearl turned her swivel stool to watch the dancing couples, she had no reason to go dance with them; besides she doubted she could dance like that anyway.

Crossing her jeans-donned legs at the knees, she smoothed out her plain white crop top that fit her snuggly at her rib cage and rubbed her hickeys from underneath her collar. Luckily, this particular shirt covered her collarbone and most of her neck. She wore virtually no makeup as most of it washed away in her shower and she had done her best with her hair. It was definitely disheveled, but Pearl knew she had to deal with it for as long as she was away from her home. Or as soon as she got some money to buy shampoo and conditioner.

Of course, alcohol had priority over essential needs. God, what was wrong with her…

The bass of the music resonated with her heartbeat, shaking her whole being. Is this what people her age did on a regular basis? She didn’t know how much more of this she could take.

She downed her screwdriver with a tilt of her head and glass as she swiveled back to face the counter, pointing to herself for refill.  Although she promised herself that she’d only have one tonight, she honestly didn’t care anymore. Who was there to stop her from drinking herself to a blackout every night?

“Slow down there, girly.”

Pearl could barely hear the low voice over the blaring music. She turned to her right to face a large woman who looked she was a Greek statue, carved straight from stone. She had sharp features: a prominent nose, thick but neat eyebrows, and broad shoulders covered by an open flannel shirt that framed her body-builder figure surprisingly well. Something about her wild hair and plump lips reminded her of someone else.

“And what’s making you stop me?” Was she flirting? Pearl didn’t know how to flirt. What has gotten into her?

The woman cracked a smirk. Ooh, that smirk. Pearl seemed to have a type. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re small, probably a ‘good girl’, and you don’t look like you can take much alcohol. But from the way you’re taking that screwdriver, I could be wrong.” The tall woman sat down in the empty stool next to Pearl. Even when sitting down, she was tall: even taller than Garnet. “You look too pretty to be downing vodka that fast.”

“Hm.” Pearl dragged her refill closer to her with her index finger and circled the rim when it bumped into her left forearm that rested on the table. “ _You_ look too butch to be fooling around in a straight bar.”

Jasper let out a low laugh. “Jasper.” She held out a large hand.

“Pearl.” Pearl met Jasper’s hand with her own, delicately, but firmly, shaking it.

“And what are _you_ doing a straight bar, girly?” Jasper leaned in and Pearl could smell the pleasant scent of cologne and shampoo. “Assumin’ you’re a dyke like me.”

“Drinking.” Pearl sipped from her glass. She snorted a laugh. “Can I get you something too?”

“Whiskey.” Jasper nodded to the bartender. Pearl’s eyes dragged down Jasper’s figure, stopping at the peek of her hipbone underneath her white wife-beater and to her jeans that stretched over her bulging leg muscles. It was probably the alcohol urging her to do so, but Pearl almost whistled. This Jasper _wasn’t_ bad to look at.

“So, tell me more about you, cutie.” Jasper’s eyes were piercing.

“Well, I dance.”

Jasper’s eyes went to the flashing dance floor.

“Oh no, not like that. Ballet.”

Pearl felt Jasper’s eyes on her figure and Jasper nodded. “Looks like it.”

“And you?”

“I’m one of the bouncers for this bar.”

“And you’re…” Pearl raised her eyebrow. “…drinking?”

“Night off.” Jasper received her drink from the bartender and took a long gulp from the thick glass cup. “I haven’t seen you before. And it’s a Thursday. Why’d you come here out of all places?”

“Well, why don’t you guess?” Pearl leaned on her left palm, swirling her drink in her right. She was surprised by her own confidence.

“My first impression of you was wrong.” Jasper snorted as she stared at Pearl’s screwdriver. Jasper’s eyes met Pearl’s again. If Jasper were at any other place, at any other time, Pearl would probably leave, running. But the flicker of flirtation in her eye told Pearl to hold on; maybe she could make Pearl’s night worth it.  “I’m going to guess that you aren’t looking to hitch up with some dainty femme right now, are you?”

Pearl’s mind went to lips and wild hair. She stared up at Jasper, her lips curling into another smile. “You’re smarter than you look. No, I’m not looking to ‘hitch up’…or anything long term.” Pearl licked the alcohol off her lips. “Femmes aren’t really my type anyway.”

Jasper’s smirk widened. “You’re really not a good girl, are you?”

Pearl felt her face heat up, and she hoped her blush couldn’t be seen in the dim, flashing light. _There_ was the genuine Pearl. Whatever character Pearl had made up in her mind and was performing was far from her insecure, anxious, wrecked self. Nevertheless, if confidence is what Jasper wanted, that’s what she was going to get.

She pressed her thighs together tightly, looking up at Jasper with a small thin-lipped smile.  “I want sex.”

Jasper let out a breathy laugh from her nose. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” Jasper’s hand reached below Pearl’s stool and tugged Pearl, stool and all, closer to her. Pearl’s mind went black, and the next thing she could think of was _Whoa. Hot._

“I can promise you the night of your life.”

A small smile emerged on Pearl’s lips. “Oh?”

“Just tell me what you like.”

Pearl leaned in close, her breath rustling the hair behind Jasper’s ear.

“Prove it.”

The next moment, Jasper’s lips were on her neck, biting on her pale skin. Pearl could hardly catch up, grasping the counter next to her, gasping for breath. She felt the tension in her legs loosen as she leaned forward on the stool, feeling Jasper’s sharp inhales cool against her marked skin. In the area where her neck, jaw, and bottom of her ear meet, Jasper bit, hard, sending shivers up and down Pearl’s body.

Pearl’s breath almost at a moan, the heat rose to her cheeks once again. She got flustered so easily. She heard Jasper’s low voice vibrate against her as she clutched the edge of her stool for stability.

“So what will it be?”

Surprising Jasper and even herself, Pearl leaned in and bit Jasper’s earlobe, teeth dragging on soft skin. She felt her phone in her back pocket vibrate, but she ignored it. She spoke breathlessly against Jasper’s jaw.

“ _Fuck me_.”


	8. Useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flash forward. Pearl is now more sober than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meet punk lapis everybody

It took a moment for Pearl to realize where she was.

She faced a digital clock on the black square bedside table with a lamp. She blinked a few times before she could actually see. It was only 8:43 am.

The next thing that hit her was the fact she couldn’t move, partly because she couldn’t feel her legs and partly because there was a large arm hugging her from behind.             

She then noticed she was sober. Very, very sober and without a hangover. Pearl wasn’t sure if it was an accomplishment or a mistake.

The faint smell of cologne and sweat on the sheets finally reached her nose and Pearl rubbed her face, suddenly realizing where she was and what she did the night before. The memories of dirty talk, Jasper’s grunts and groans, and Pearl’s throaty breaths filling the room from messy and _amazing_ sex flooded back into Pearl’s mind. 

She finally looked down at herself, sighing at the multitude of hickeys that speckled all over her body like constellations.  They scattered over her breasts and clustered at her inner thighs. Whatever Jasper _thought_ she was going to get before they stumbled into her apartment, lips clashing as Jasper fumbled for the front door key, was very different from what she had received. Even Pearl couldn’t remember the last time she had such satisfying sex. She let out a small breathless laugh.

Grabbing her phone from the side table, she unlocked it and checked the message she had received the night before. Only one, with a rose emoji starting the text.

9:12 PM: [rose emoji] _Amethyst is with us. She wants you back._

Pearl had the urge to snap her phone in half.

Jasper’s groan snapped Pearl back to the present, her large body stirring next to her. Pearl rolled over to face the huge woman as she lay on her back, finally opening her eyes blurrily.

“Good morning.” Pearl’s voice was hoarse from sleep.

“Mmph.” Jasper rubbed her face. “Mornin’.”

Pearl wasn’t much for bed talk. “I…uh…”

“Cigarette?” Jasper reached over to her bedside table and grabbed a nearly filled cigarette case.

“Uh…” Pearl hadn’t smoked well in…well not since that particularly extremely low point in her life. But what was stopping her? She was feeling pretty low the past few days. Pearl gave her partner a short nod. “Yeah. Sure.”

Jasper tapped the bottom of the case, a cigarette peeking out among the others and Pearl leaned over to catch it between her lips. She leaned further to meet the lighter in Jasper’s left hand and sucked in the burning tobacco. She nearly coughed, feeling the irritation and burn in her throat and lungs. She blew out the smoke away from the bed out of courtesy, holding the cigarette between her fore and middle finger.

Jasper lit her own cigarette and began to blow small clouds that rose and dissipated as they reached the ceiling. Pearl seeped in another puff of smoke as well. They lay in silence, smoking their cigarettes down to ashes when Pearl rolled out of bed.

“Bathroom is down the hall.” Jasper stared up at the smoke rising up to the ceiling.

“Do you have a shirt I can borrow just around your apartment?”

Jasper raised her eyebrows. Her voice was throaty from the smoke and sleep. “You have nowhere to be at?”

“Ah…I…” Pearl rubbed her tired face. “No.”  She scratched her neck with a small sigh.

Jasper didn’t hesitate to respond. “Dunno if any of them will fit you. Take a look on the top drawer of the dresser.” Jasper sucked in the last of her cigarette before squeezing it in the ash tray.

Pearl walked over to the dress in the fairly large bedroom and opened the first drawer. So many undershirts, she could have spent hours counting them all. Then again, Jasper didn’t seem the type to want to do laundry all the time.

She chose the smallest one she could find and pulled it over her body. It was still huge; it went down to her knees and the collar sagged down to her cleavage, but she didn’t care. She retrieved her panties discarded on the ground next to her and put them on quietly.

“How long you stayin’ here, girly?” Jasper finally sat up looking towards Pearl’s direction.

“I…” Pearl’s words caught in her throat. “…I don’t know.”

“Well.” Jasper swung her legs out from the bed and went to retrieve a new set of boxers from the bottom drawer of her dresser. “Here is probably better than that motel you’re probably stayin’ at.”

Pearl didn’t question Jasper’s sudden proposal. She nodded. “Yeah. Thank you.”

……………………………..

Sipping her whiskey through thin, chapped lips, Pearl watched the bar carefully. She had been around for about a month. Every night she’d buy a few drinks (on Jasper’s account because she offered) and sit around until Jasper was done with her shift. She had to cycle through her clothes; she had run out of clothes to wear weeks ago and eventually had to borrow Jasper’s and recycle her own. Tonight, she wore Jasper’s smallest muscle tank top and jeans, her ankle boots hanging heavily on her thin legs. She sat alone, the bass of the electronic music beating through her body and pounding in her head.

Pearl spent the past month having the most alcohol, drunken make outs, and both sober and alcohol-induced sex in her life. Every evening, Pearl would drink at the bar. Every night, she spent her nights in Jasper’s bed sleeping, fucking, and smoking herself into oblivion. Then in the early afternoon, she’d roll out of bed and do it all again. She never felt more dead and alive at the same time.  

She also spent almost every day waking up thinking about her home a few states away. Garnet, hopefully, aced her finals. Rose was with Greg. And Amethyst…she went back to her two jobs.

Pearl was starting to regret running away.

What good did it do her? She certainly wasn’t fixing any of her problems by being here. Amethyst still existed, Rose still existed, her alcoholism still existed, and most of all, her feelings still existed. On top of that, Garnet was probably worried sick about her.

 _Lovely_. Pearl pressed her palm to her face.

“Pearl. How are you doing?”

Pearl turned her head towards the woman that sat down next to her and smiled. She had bright blue hair, a septum ring, and wing tattoos on her back. Thin, electric blue painted fingernails surrounded by a multitude of rings and small tattoos encircled a glass of whiskey like a tiara. However, compared to her appearance, her personality was fairly docile. Pearl _did_ see her start a fight several times but Lapis seemed to take a liking to her. Jasper introduced her to Lapis that same night Pearl first saw Lapis punch in some guy’s face.

“I’m just a little tired.”

“From what Jasper’s telling me, you _would_ seem a bit tired.” Lapis cracked a smirk.

Pearl felt her cheeks flush and she hid her face behind her glass as she took another sip.

“Aw, Pearl. Don’t be shy about it! This is unlike you. What’s going on?” Lapis tilted her drink back, her pale lips pressing against the glass.

“I don’t know. I just…” Pearl felt her façade of the edgy, sex-crazy lesbian finally wear off. “…feel like there’s some where I need to be.”

“Maybe I can help you remember with another round of drinks after you’re done.” Lapis grinned at her, her white teeth flashing in the laser-lit lighting of the bar. She turned to the bartender. “Another around on me—“

Pearl shook her head and gave Lapis a weak smile. “I think I’ll just have one today.”

“You look like you can loosen up a bit, Pearl.”

Pearl’s eyes wandered restlessly across the bar. The dance floor was completely empty save for a few brave souls. The booths were completely filled up with couples and friends sharing chips and mozzarella sticks while drinking their beer. In the corner booth was the Onion man, a name Lapis and Jasper coined because the man always smelled of onions for some odd reason. Her eyes finally rested at the front entrance where she could see Jasper’s large arm peeking behind the doorway.

“Pearl?”

Lapis placed a hand on Pearl’s shoulder and Pearl shook herself out of her vigilant stupor. “Sorry, yeah. I’m fine. I just don’t want to get drunk tonight, Lapis.”

“Well you’re the designated driver. And more for me.” Lapis raised her half-empty glass of whiskey and grinned. “Cheers.”

Pearl mumbled a small “cheers” in reply and turned back to glass, situating herself so she looked straight at the line of glasses in front of her. In the corner of her eye, Pearl saw a petit blonde with a pixie cut sit on the other side of Lapis. Her thick-rimmed glasses over her bright green eyes, mocha skin, and an impish grin looked familiar to Pearl.

Lapis grinned at the petite blonde. “Hey, Peri.”

Pearl gaze went from her glass to right in front of her in surprise. Peri? As in Peridot?

“Hi, Lapis. How’s work?”

Lapis rolled her eyes dramatically. “It’s like prison. I absolutely hate it. What about you? How’s school?”

Peridot’s eyes looked electric. “Amazing! We’re engineering a new type of prosthetic arm that interacts with brain waves.”

Lapis looked sideways at Pearl with a small laugh. “Oh _really_?”

“We’re doing tests now and working out the kinks. It _should_ be able to move as you think like a real arm. God, I’m _so_ happy I went to university. You really can’t do this stuff anywhere else.”

Pearl felt a jealousy twist in the core of her stomach and she avoided Lapis’s amused gaze. 

“It’s especially exciting because soon we’ll be trying it on real patients.” Peridot took a small swing of her beer. “Who’s the girl?”

Pearl gave Lapis a look of warning, but Lapis dismissed with an excited look between the two women. “Oh! Pearl, this is Peridot. Peridot, Pearl.”

“Pearl?!” Peridot nearly choked on her drink. “I thought you had drunk yourself to death.”

Pearl sighed into her glass before she took a drink of her whiskey. “Hi. Peridot.”

“Wait, you two know each other?” Lapis looked between the tall and short women in surprise.

Peridot began to laugh in her annoying voice that Pearl detested and Pearl had to grip her glass to avoid strangling her. “We went to the same high school. Dang, it’s been a while. Where have you been?”

“Around.” Pearl hoped her words were like ice.

“So, did you make it to a university? I know you were _trying_ to get in.” Peridot grinned.

Pearl’s knuckles were white. “No. I didn’t.”

“That’s a shame. I mean…what was her name, Rose? She really believed in you didn’t she?”

Lapis looked at Pearl cautiously. If there was anything Lapis could sense, it was a fight.

“Yeah. She did.” Pearl tried to keep her tone even.  She wasn’t made to fist fight with her scrawny arms. Though, she seriously contemplating giving Peridot a good kick to the face.

“I guess you shouldn’t put your faith in someone who isn’t even worth it.”

“Peridot, I don’t think—“ Lapis’s voice was coated with a thin layer of warning.

“What do you want from me?” Pearl placed her glass on the table, her eyes narrowing at the elfish girl.

“It’s just nice knowing that _you,_ out of all people, didn’t make it. You had no right to be as proud as you were back then.”

“That was more than five years ago, Peridot. Why are you so hung up about this?” Lapis asked quietly.

“She won that scholarship. For nothing. She didn’t even use it.” Peridot narrowed her eyes at the taller girl across from Lapis. “You _know_ I needed that scholarship, and you didn’t even take advantage of it.”

“Well I engineered something better than you did.” Pearl finished her whiskey, a small smile on her lips. “I know we’re both weren’t in the financial situation to go into college, and I wanted to go—“

“But something went wrong then, didn’t it? I have the education and I moved up in the world.  Look at you now, drinking your way into inexistence.” Peridot grinned. “No education. No money. And now, I will always be better than you! “

Pearl was surprised with how strong her punch was. Peridot was thrown back into the bar counter finally silent, clutching her cheek. Pearl loved the fear and shock in her eyes as she stood above her Lapis looking at the two of them cautiously.

“You…You know nothing about who I am.” Pearl felt her heart in her ears and took long, slow breaths to try to calm herself. Adrenaline pumped through her veins, riling her up. She rubbed her right knuckles roughly, revering the impact of Peridot’s face with her fist. “You aren’t any better or smarter than me. All you have more than me is your fucking ego.” Pearl’s words shot like bullets into Peridot’s ears.

“You want to go?” Peridot growled, clenching her fists. “You’re nothing but useless. You’re not even contributing to society with your drinking and your screwing around.”

Pearl gritted her teeth.

“What are you even for?” Peridot smirked, and clutched her swollen cheek. “Admit it. I’ve won.”

Before Pearl could reply, Lapis interjected angrily. “You haven’t won anything, Peridot. I’m sure Pearl would have done just as well and even better in your elitist university. She just wasn’t in the situation. Shit happens, Peri.” Lapis’s eyes were blue ice and Peridot retracted instinctively. “You couldn’t have known how that feels.”

Rubbing her now sore fist, Pearl watched Peridot sulk away, still cradling her puffy face. She turned to Lapis. “Why’d you defend me? I had it under control.”

“You have to be a bit more aggressive with Peri to make her stop. And you’re right, she’s a egoistic ass.” Lapis smiled. “I wasn’t able to go to school either because it was too expensive for me.”

Pearl opened her mouth to say an apology, but Lapis raised her hand. “No, I don’t want pity. I’m doing fine and I learned a lot on my own. I don’t need a degree to be successful.”

Pearl stared at the pale face framed by electric-blue hair and finally Pearl came to a small understanding. She smiled. “Maybe I’ll take that drink after all.”

“No prob, bob.” Lapis grinned, waving over the bartender. Pearl could see acrylic paint speckled on her inner arm and underneath her fingernails. Pearl knew that Lapis worked hard at being an artist. She was earning a living fine. She was doing well by her standards and in her own way. Maybe Pearl could take a leaf out of Lapis’s book. “Thank you.” Pearl said quietly, giving Lapis a small smile. Lapis smiled at her, then turned her gaze at the large figure approaching them.

Jasper’s large arms swung rigidly as she walked towards her two smaller friends. “I heard there was a fight.” Jasper crossed her arms putting on a scowl. Pearl laughed at how business-like she was, earning a confused look from the taller. “Why are you laughing?”

“Nothing.” Pearl felt happier than she had in days. She wiped a stray happy tear from her eye and grinned. She turned to Jasper, who looked at her in concern. God, she really did look like Amethyst, if Amethyst was carved from stone.

“I…I think it’s time for me to go.” Pearl spoke gently. “I have places I need to be.”

Jasper nodded. Lapis grinned at Pearl.

Pearl tried to choose her words carefully. “I’m sorry if I gave you…any mixed signals or—“

“No. You didn’t.” Jasper shook her head. Her expression wasn’t sad or regretful, but rather, relieved. “But if I could have your number, maybe we can get together again and have a few drinks.”

“Me too!” Lapis laughed. “I’d love to keep in contact with you.”

Pearl stared at the two of them in shock. “Do you…you really—“

“Of course. You’re fun to hang out with Pearl.” Lapis grinned at Pearl’s incredulous expression. She grabbed the newly filled shot glasses and held one to Pearl. “One last drink before you leave?”

Pearl whipped out her phone, a smile growing unconsciously on her face. Maybe things were looking up for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is fic is coming to an end. two more chapters to go!


	9. Chamomile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time to finally meet rose rip pearl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING I RECENTLY GOT INTO A COLLEGE

Pearl had packed her bag from Jasper’s place before a surprisingly cordial and friendly goodbye, and she boarded a 9:30 AM bus back to Beach City feeling lighter than she had in years. Although she knew she had to go back home, she had no idea what she wanted to do. A million possibilities and questions bounced in her mind. Sitting on semi-crowded bus, she put her backpack between her legs and stared at her knees in thought.

She wanted to see Amethyst.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t talked in years; it had only been about a month, but Pearl missed her. She missed her from the moment she woke up in the Jasper’s bed that first morning. Maybe she missed her the night before when she sat in the bar alone. Maybe from the moment she left. She didn’t even know anymore.

Pearl thought, watching trees and buildings whip past her. What if she went to go see Amethyst  as soon as she arrived at Beach City? Amethyst probably had her shift at the general store, but Pearl could wait for her. They would talk. Maybe they could even hold hands or cuddle or—

She wanted to punch herself. Of course it wouldn’t work like that. It would be awkward and hard to talk about how she felt and difficult to say what she wanted to Amethyst. Amethyst probably would lash out at her, kick her out, tell her she never wanted to see her again—

Pearl placed her head in her hands and groaned. She missed Jasper and Lapis. Things were so much easier when she was with them; whenever she wanted to forget, she could drink and fuck herself into oblivion.

If only she had Garnet’s intuition. _Shit. Garnet._ Pearl grabbed a fistful of her hair. Garnet must be goddamn worried for her too. She hadn’t contacted her since the day she left and no word had come from her since. Pearl sat up and reached for her phone.

Hunching over to dial Garnet’s cell number by memory, Pearl pressed the call button and pressed her phone to her cheek, her leg bouncing with anxiety. She heard Garnet pick up with a small click after only one ring.

Garnet’s voice was stern. “Why didn’t you reply?”

“Nice to talk to you too…” Pearl frowned. She curled her hair behind her ear.

“ _You’re_ the one who didn’t reply or send word. Do you have any idea how worried we all were?”

Pearl felt tears well up in her eyes. “Garnet, I’m sorry—“

Garnet let out the tiniest sigh. “I don’t want an apology. Where are you?” Garnet didn’t sound angry anymore. She sounded concerned.

Running a hand through her short hair, Pearl took a moment to think before replying. “I just got on a bus back home.  I’ll be back tonight. Maybe. I’ll…I’ll let you know.”

Pearl heard Garnet let out a breath of relief. “Good. I’ll let Rose and Amethyst know you’re ok.”

“Don’t hang up yet!” Pearl leaned her head on her knees and tried to rub the tears from her eyes. “I need advice.”

Silence.

“Are you still there?” Panic rose in Pearl’s chest.

“I’m waiting for you to talk, Pearl. Tell me.” Garnet breathed out a laugh and Pearl couldn’t help but give a weak smile. It was nice to hear Garnet’s voice again and know that she was still there for her.

“I…I want to know if I should to see Amethyst today. Like as soon as I get back.”

More silence.

“Garnet?”

“I’m thinking. I know what you are trying to say but…” Pearl could hear the frown on Garnet’s face. She knew that Garnet chose her words carefully. “Amethyst was very upset, Pearl.”

Pearl felt like she had been shot in the gut. She had no idea what Amethyst could have possibly done or how she could have felt. She swallowed, trying to keep he voice from shaking. “And?”

“It was to the point where I had to help her out.” Garnet said slowly, and Pearl cursed herself.  How could she have fucked up so badly

Garnet continued. “I told her to call me if she had any impulsive tendencies and to stay busy with work so she can get her mind off you. So she’ll be at work by the time you’re back.”

“So you think I should go visit her today?”

“Maybe. Tonight. Maybe I’ll let her know. Since you don’t seem to be very good with communication.” Pearl flinched at her words. Garnet was always so blunt.  “Go visit Rose in the meanwhile.”

Pearl’s eyebrows shot up. “Rose? Why Rose?”

“She was very worried about you, you know. And you haven’t replied to any of her texts even before this. She wants to see you.”

Pearl sat in silence. Did she dare visit Rose again? _You could end up spiraling again. You don’t want to end up where you were before._

 _It’s not always about you_.

Amethyst’s words rang in her head. And she was right; it wasn’t always about Pearl. Other people had feelings too and she disregarded that. Last time it was Garnet, the time before Amethyst, and first one, ever, was Rose. Pearl had to stop hurting the ones she loved.

“I’ve…I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish.” Pearl gripped her phone. “I’ll go visit her. Then you.”

“No. Just Rose. Amethyst probably wants to see you. You can always come back home later.” Garnet was too good to her. Pearl found the back of the chair in front of her swim before her eyes.

“Thank you, Garnet.” Pearl swallowed her tears with a smile.

……………………………..

Pearl had to mentally prepare herself before knocking on the door of Rose’s small house.

The pit of her stomach widened with every breath she took and the same phrase repeated like a vice in her mind: _I’m not a failure. I’m not a failure. I’m not a failure. I’m not—_

Pearl rapped her knuckles on the hard wooden door, her other hand grasping the strap of her backpack so tightly, she didn’t think she could pry it off herself. Before she could change her mind, turn around, and run away, the wood door swung open, and Pearl was engulfed in large arms.

“Pearl! It’s been too long.” Rose’s melodic voice was against Pearl’s ear, and Pearl hesitantly hugged Rose back. No matter what the circumstance, Rose always made Pearl feel better.

“It has.” Pearl muttered, her face buried into Rose’s shoulder and lovely soft hair. “I missed you.”

“Come in, come in.” Rose guided Pearl by the hand into her home. She took Pearl’s heavy backpack off her shoulders and placed it next to the couch facing the small television in the living room. The living room had a cozy feeling without feeling cramped. Various pictures lined the walls and side tables, all adorned in large and small wooden frames.

Her gaze falling onto the center of the wall, warmth spread throughout Pearl’s body when she saw the largest picture of her, Garnet, and Rose on the beach a four years back. Tearing her eyes from the image of their smiling faces, Pearl followed Rose into the small kitchen.

“Greg is out right now, but he’s been dying to see you again. Coffee? Tea?”

“Tea.” Pearl gave Rose a smile. “Thanks, Rose.”

“No problem. My stars, it’s been a while hasn’t it? How are you? Are you doing better?” Rose tread lightly. She knew Pearl so well.

“I’m better.” Pearl watched Rose pour water into a small kettle and set it on the electric stove. Pearl sat at the counter, sitting across from Rose and reached over to a tea-bag holder to choose her tea.

Rose stared at Pearl expectantly.

“I mean…” Pearl played with the rip tag of her tea bag package. She bit her thin lip. “I wasn’t ok. Now I’m better.”

“Is that why you ran?” Rose’s voice was as soft as Pearl remembered it. Something told Pearl that she wasn’t just talking about Pearl’s disappearance; she was talking about how Pearl avoided her for the past four years. “You worried all of us, Pearl.”

“No. Yes? I don’t even know anymore. I just needed to be alone.” Pearl looked down at her hands. Silence settled in the room until the kettle whistled and Rose prepared the tea.

Rose gave Pearl the bigger mug, pouring the hot chamomile tea into it. The warmth seeped into Pearl’s fingertips and palms.

“Where did you go?” Rose asked softly.

“A few states away. I stayed with a couple of new friends.” Pearl hoped Rose wouldn’t see the hot, red flush on her face. She didn’t exactly wish to disclose her night life.

“Were you with…okay people?” Pearl could hear the great concern in Rose’s voice.

“Rose, you aren’t my mother.”

“I know. But you were in a bad place, and I—“

Words spilled out of her mouth like boiling water from a kettle. “Rose, I’m a failure.” Pearl choked.

Rose looked at Pearl in surprise. “What makes you think that?”

“I’m…I’m not good enough to do anything. I’m not strong enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not competent, I keep hurting everyone I love...” Pearl felt a sob emerge from her throat, her thin lip trembling. “I-I don’t know why you had so much faith in me.”

Before she could hurriedly wipe away her tears with her hands, Rose gently placed her hand down and gave her a tissue. Pearl couldn’t meet Rose’s eyes when she spoke—not that her tears allowed her to anyway. “You aren’t a failure, Pearl. What are you saying?”

Pearl gripped her tea, the hot water now burning her palms.

“Pearl, you are the most genuine and kind person I know. You aren’t a failure. You’re Pearl. Isn’t that good enough?” Rose held out her hand and Pearl hesitantly took it, finding the large thumb rubbing circles onto her skin soothing. Pearl swallowed her tears and took a weak breath.

“I loved you so much.”

“I know.” Rose smiled in understanding.

“N-No, I mean—“

“I know what you mean, Pearl.” Rose sipped her tea. Pearl breathed deeply. Silence hung in the air.

“I don’t feel that way anymore.” Pearl added hastily. “Not right now.”

Rose grinned. “I know you don’t.”

Pearl cleared her throat, rubbing her running nose in embarrassment.

“Amethyst is a lovely woman, Pearl. She was so worried for you.” Rose laughed softly at Pearl’s burning cheeks.

“Y-You…I…What do you think of her?” Pearl shakily took a sip of her tea and brushed stray tears out of her eyes.

“She’s very different from you. But I think that’s good.” Rose’s dark eyes smiled at her old friend. “She’s honest, maybe a bit blunt at times—“ Pearl snorted a weak laugh. “—but she’ll be good for you.”

“If I didn’t screw up, maybe…” Pearl heaved a sigh.

Rose’s hair bounced as she shook her head. “I don’t think so. She likes you. You had better go visit her today as well. She deserves that much.”

Before she could open her mouth, Pearl jumped a little at the sound of the front door opening, and Greg’s voice travelling into the kitchen. “I’m home!”

“Dear, we’re in the kitchen!” Rose called, her voice drifting to the other side of the house.

Pearl swiveled around in her stool to watch Greg and Rose kiss briefly and Greg turned to Pearl with a wave. “Heya Pearl! It’s been a while.”

"It has.” Pearl gave Greg a cordial smile. She was surprised that she had no more resentment towards the man. “It’s nice to see you again.”

“Good to know you’re doing alright.” Greg gave Pearl a toothy grin and he made his way to the counter to pick up an apple. “What brings you here?”

“She came to say hello.” Rose placed her hand on Pearl’s shoulder.

“Did you tell her the news?” Greg took a large bit of his apple and leaned against the kitchen sink.

“No. I wanted to tell her face to face.” Rose held out her left hand. Rose usually worse jewelry but there was always one finger that she refused to adorn. And Pearl’s eyes caught a platinum band with a small diamond glint up at her.

Pearl couldn’t help but smile. “Congratulations.”

Somehow, she didn’t feel as empty as she was before.


	10. Can't Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl faces Amethyst. Finally

_Are you home? I’m back in town. Can I come over?_

Pearl’s boots rapped the hard cement as she tapped her fingertips against the glass screen of her iPhone. It was almost eight in the evening and the sun started to set over the ocean.

Amethyst was taking longer to reply. Almost immediately, Pearl saw the “read” sign below her message, but no reply ellipses appeared below that. Pearl sighed softly, chewing her lip.

 _Bwoop_.

7:49 PM: _yeah sure_

Pearl shoved her phone into her back pocket, the backpack weighing her down even more than it had before. Her stomach turned form anxiousness and all she wanted was to go home and curl up in her bed.  She wanted things to go back to the way they were.

_You can’t run again._

Pearl inhaled deeply. She really had to stop avoiding her problems.

She walked in silence to Amethyst’s small apartment complex and walked up the steep steps to Amethyst’s front door. Her feet hurt from her travel and she felt her eyes droop even though the sun had barely begun to set. Taking a hurried breath, she pressed a thumb to the doorbell.

Pearl waited, her anxiety stretching out the seconds it took Amethyst to reach the door like molasses. Her heart pounded in her chest as if it wanted to escape and the door opened slowly in front of her.

Amethyst looked like shit. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, and she dressed in long baggy pajama pants and a t-shirt of a band that Pearl couldn’t recognize. But her attire wasn’t what made Amethyst look awful; it was the split lip, puffy left cheek, and cut on her forehead that made her look like shit and Pearl instinctively let out a small gasp.

Amethyst let out an exasperated sigh at Pearl’s reaction. “What are you doing here?”

“I—“ Pearl’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment. “—I…I wanted to see you.”

“If you’re going to stare at me, you can leave.”

“I’m not going to gawk at you.” Pearl moved passed Amethyst, entering her apartment and dropping her bag on the crowded floor before Amethyst could shove her away. “What happened?”

Amethyst mumbled something under her breath. Pearl raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Bar. Fight.” Amethyst rubbed her right eye with another sigh. She walked to the kitchen and Pearl followed, watching Amethyst open a large clear bottle, pour herself a large shot of vodka, and down it. Pearl eyed the alcohol eagerly but stayed silent.

“I thought you liked cocktails.” Pearl noted quietly.

“Yeah well—“ Amethyst lifted the bottle to examine its contents and the unfinished sentence hung in the air for Pearl to assume the worst. “You’re not going to have any?” Amethyst raised an eyebrow at the taller woman. “Or even ask?”

Pearl shook her head and shrugged sheepishly.  “I’m…I’m actually trying to stay sober.”

“Since when?”

Heat flushed Pearl’s cheeks. “Um. Yesterday.”

Amethyst shorted into her second drink. “Why’d you come here, then?”

“To say I’m sorry.” Pearl said lamely, wringing her hands in her anxiety. “So…I’m sorry.”

Pearl raised her head as Amethyst placed her shot glass down on the counter with a louder-than-intended bang. “ _Sorry_?” Pearl flinched at Amethyst’s dagger-sharp tone. From the half-second glance she took of Amethyst’s face, Pearl closed her eyes, trying to get Amethyst’s livid expression out of her mind. “You’re coming here after a month to say ‘sorry’?”

“I don’t know what else to say.” Pearl said quietly. “I just want to let you know how horrible I feel about…about hurting you.” Pearl didn’t want to look at Amethyst’s expression. “I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t _mean_ to, but you did. I understand if you went away for a few days, but a _month_? Without any response?” Amethyst let out a sharp laugh that mingled with the scoff in her throat. “HA. I know I have issues, but _this_.”

“I know.  I wasn’t fair to you.” Pearl rubbed her cheek with her cold hand.

Brown eyes bore through Pearl’s gaze. “I thought it was me.”

“No.” Pearl wanted to rip out her hair, tears forming in her eyes. “No. It was _me_. _My_ fault. I’m sorry, Amethyst.”

Amethyst glared at Pearl under her wild mane and puffy black eye. Pearl wanted to leave, but gripping her arm, she stood her ground. It wasn’t going to end like this. Pearl wouldn’t to let it.

“Why should I forgive you?” Amethyst’s chest rose and fell heavily.

“I know what it feels like to feel like you’re not adequate enough. I should have recognized that I was doing that to you.” Pearl bit her lip. “You don’t have to forgive me. You deserve to be angry.”

Pearl squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for yells, orders to leave, maybe even a punch to the face. But to her surprise, Amethyst let out a sigh. Pearl looked up to see Amethyst rub her face, accidentally hitting her bruised cheek and hissing in response. Amethyst exhaled, deflating as she slumped over the kitchen counter and groaned. “Pearl…”

“Y-yes?”

"You’re ruining me.”

Pearl gripped her left wrist, taking a deep breath. “Would you…want me to leave?”

Amethyst shook her head. She scoffed at herself, scratching her head. “Shit, I can’t—I can’t ever say what I want, can I?”

Feeling like lead from travel and emotions, Pearl walked hesitantly towards Amethyst who was near the kitchen sink. She watched Pearl like dog in danger, waiting to either run or bite. Taking a small, ratty towel from the counter, Pearl turned on the warm water and started to dab Amethyst’s wounds gently with the damp towel. She saw Amethyst wince at the first contact, looking away at the floor.

Pearl’s fingertips caressed Amethyst’s swollen injuries, gliding over dark skin. She tilted Amethyst’s head up so she could get a better look at the split lip, and Amethyst lifted herself onto the kitchen counters so Pearl didn’t have to strain.  Pearl tried to ignore Amethyst’s thick collarbone underneath her loud t-shirt, and even though their faces had been this close before, the atmosphere wasn’t light and dizzying: it was suffocating and unbearable.

“When did this happen?” Pearl asked softly. She grazed her thumb over the dried blood on Amethyst’s lip.

“Last night.” Amethyst tried to avoid Pearl’s gaze.

“What happened?”

“Like, I said. Bar fight. Some guy picked a fight with me.” The shift in Amethyst’s gaze to the floor signaled her lie.

“Amethyst.” Pearl voice was low, but stern.

Amethyst groaned. “I got carried away. Okay, Pearl?”

Pearl held her stare.

“Look, I _wanted_ to get hurt, okay? I couldn’t stand it anymore. Garnet tried to help me, and I was doing well, but something snapped yesterday. I couldn’t…” Panic rose in Pearl’s chest when she saw tears swell in Amethyst’s eyes. Amethyst wasn’t the person to cry.

Pearl took Amethyst’s head in her hands, ghosting her lips against hers. She looked briefly at Amethyst, who gave the shortest, smallest nod, conveying her consent.

Their kiss was gentle, completely candid, neither of them wanting to break what little they had between them. For once, Pearl wasn’t dizzy or drunk or confused; she was finally present, completely honest. Amethyst’s lips were dry, but Pearl drank from Amethyst’s bruised lips, wishing to stop whatever pain she had caused her. Pearl cupped Amethyst’s face, before breaking the kiss and moving upwards to kiss away the tears bubbling at Amethyst’s dark eyes. She pressed her lips against Amethyst’s forehead and laid her cheek against the other’s head with finality. Amethyst took a deep breath beneath her. Amethyst’s head felt good against her shoulder.

“Could we make this work?” Pearl asked softly into Amethyst’s hair.

Amethyst croaked. “I want...it would be nice.”

Pearl closed her eyes and took a breath. Amethyst smelled of laundry detergent and vodka. “I’m…not good at relationships, Amethyst.”

“I’m not either, P.”

Pearl’s heart glowed at her nickname, her arms instinctively holding the smaller woman tighter; she’d let go, she felt as if every good feeling she had would vanish. Burying herself in Amethyst’s soft, thick hair, Pearl smelt vodka and tears. She felt Amethyst’s strong arms wrap around her waist, a sigh blew against Pearl’s chest.

A buzz in Amethyst’s pocket disturbed their embrace.  Pearl pulled back to let Amethyst reach into her pocket and pull out her android. Sliding her phone open, Amethyst pressed her phone against her cheek and Pearl could distinguish rapid Spanish on the other side.

“Mierda , sí sí. Lo tengo. No, yo estoy ocupado mañana. Mamá, tengo trabajo!” Amethyst spoke quickly into the phone before sighing loudly. “¿Cena? Yo no creo que pueda venir—“ Amethyst gazed at Pearl’s patient expression before looking back down at the ground. “Mamá, espera. Hey, P.”

Pearl looked up at Amethyst curiously.

“Wanna do dinner at my mom’s place tomorrow? I usually don’t go, but maybe if you come…” Pearl could see a slight blush darken Amethyst’s cheeks as she clutched the bottom of her phone so she covered the microphone. “I don’t know, only if you want, it’s not fancy or anything and it’s kind of a drive—“

“I’d love to.” Pearl’s lips pulled into a smile.

Pearl saw the tiniest smile on Amethyst’s face before she spoke into the android in once again and hung up with a small “adios.” Amethyst beamed at Pearl, shoving her phone back down into her pocket.

“I didn’t know you were bilingual.” Pearl leaned against the kitchen wall.

“Yeaaaaah.” Amethyst scratched her head sheepishly. “It’s not that big of a deal, I grew up speaking Spanish mostly so…”

“I think that’s admirable.” Pearl remembered how she struggled through her French classes back in high school. Pearl sighed gently and shook her head. “I grew up with my parents who…” Pearl licked her lips. She didn’t really want to get into her family. “I guess, we don’t really know much about each other even after all this time.”

“It’s not like we can’t…” Amethyst shrugged and looked down at her legs dangling over the counter. “I get why you left, Pearl. This is hard.”

Pearl let out a small laugh and looked back down at the floor in her embarrassment.

“Hey.”

Blue eyes met the brown.

“Do you want to stay the night?”

Pearl’s eyebrows arched high above her head. A small smile curled her thin lips upwards. “You’re being very forward.” Pearl held back a laugh.

“ _No_. I don’t mean we—“ Amethyst sighed and groaned again. “Not unless you want, but I just want to spend more time…with you.”

“O-Oh.” Pearl’s voice was soft, another blush emerging on her cheeks. Before she could stop herself, she forced herself to speak. “Of course. I’ll stay.”

Amethyst grinned. “Did you eat yet?”

“Just had tea. That’s all.”

“You were just at Rose’s, weren’t you?” Amethyst laughed. “She _would_.”

“I heard you two met.” Pearl smiled. “How was she?”

“She’s, like, really really nice. A bit doting—“ Pearl snorted. “—but really nice.  Garnet’s super great too. She…” Amethyst shrugged. “She helped me a lot.”

“I know.” Pearl gave the other a sympathetic smile.

“So.” Amethyst jumped off the counter and landed with a soft _thump_ on the tile floor. “Is take-out good for you?”

“Yeah. Sounds good. I’ll order in a second, hold on.” Pearl took out her phone from her back pocket and texted her roommate.

_Hey. I’m spending the night at Amethyst’s. I’ll be back tomorrow morning. I wanted to let you know._

It didn’t take long for Garnet to reply.

8:17 PM: _No problem. Thanks for telling me._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys. I've never thought I would get this support. Hopefully you'll see more from me eventually.


End file.
